Wednesday, November 12, 2008

sorry, this one could be a downer

so i went to the doctor yesterday for my post-op check-up. wade didn't go with me because we didn't think much of the appointment; he would tell us to wait two months to try again for pregnancy and then that would be it. well, God had other plans.

so, here i am sitting in this doctor's office and he checks me, you know. then i redress and he comes back in and starts talking about the pathology reports on the tissues that they withdrew from my uterus. he said that he didn't think there were going to be any surprises, but there was. wait, what? what is he going to tell me? well, it turns out i had a very rare type of pregnancy called a molar pregnancy. there are two types of molar pregnancies, and mine was the rarer of the two, called a partial molar pregnancy. apparently, this is one of two things (and we will can't know which, and i guess it doesn't really matter): either two sperm fertilized one egg, resulting in a baby with 69 chromosomes (too many to survive ultimately) and the placental tissue starts growing masses (moles) that are pre-cancerous or cancerous. the other case is when there are twins, and one is a mole (tumor) and one is a viable baby that succumbs to the mole. good times. then he says that we will have to have blood tests weekly and then monthly for six months before being released to try again. if all goes well. yes, that is best case scenario. here is where i stopped processing what he was telling me...six months? i was fixated on the devastation of waiting that long, i heard his words after that but i did not understand them or let them into my processing. i was fighting back tears at the thought of not trying again until summer. i got my blood drawn, in a stupor.

on the way home i started thinking, now, did he tell me i have cancer? no, i don't think so, but he did mention choriocarcinoma, which is cancer. hmm, i should have been listening instead of stopping at the six months thing. so when i got home i looked up partial molar pregnancy stuff and i read the words he had said to me, but actually started processing them...hcg levels, chemotherapy, birth control pills, CHEMOTHERAPY? this was just not what i was expecting. i think i am still a little shocked.

i don't want to over-dramatize this, as of now, i don't think that i have cancer. my doctor said there are many positive signs in my case. my uterus is normal size again, a great indication. i don't feel pregnant anymore, also good. although something notable to my recent morning sickness experience, a symptom of molar pregnancy is extreme nausea, but of course, this is so hard to determine from morning sickness, but i knew that this time it was such a different kind of bad. i can hear the words i typed on this very blog about feeling terminally ill, and God forbid it, i hope. okay back to not over-dramatizing, i am hopeful that this will not be cancer. that is because it is daytime and i am somewhat rational. but last nite in the darkness when i couldn't sleep all i could do was cry and think about not seeing norah catherine get married or all of the moments we long for with our children. it was dark and terrible. but the truth is, God didn't promise that i would get to see that and that has to be enough. but it just doesn't feel enough to me right now. i know i should want to see Jesus and be with Him more than anything else, and i believe that once there i would laugh at myself for wanting to be here, but my mind is too finite to understand this fully. okay, i am not saying that i am dying, i don't even know if i have cancer, but i did hear my doctor say "wait and see" and i am scared. to lose a baby, to lose the chance to have another one soon, and then to worry about your future health is just overwhelming at times. the odds are in my favor, only 5-20% of pmp turn into cancer. and even then, if it hasn't metastasized (which this kind goes to the lungs or brain, that's why you have to have chest xrays with your blood draw often) it is almost 100% curable.

so this is the deal; if my blood levels don't fall or if they plateau where they are (in the time of a few weeks) i will have to have chemo. it is a baby chemo, i think, in the sense that it is not knock you off your feet kind. but i am praying that the doctor will call me and say they are falling and looking good, but even then we will have to test monthly for six months! crazy. and, he really wants me to go on the pill, which, for our family has never been an option. he says that a pregnancy during this time would make it impossible to tell if it is cancer growing along with the baby and that if i don't have active cancer cells, it could jump-start that process. so we have realized that this is quite serious and we have to find a way to be sure we aren't taking any chances. i wonder what catholics (old school ones) would do in this situation. i wonder if they would allow nature to take it's course since they don't believe in birth control other than breastfeeding? just a side thought.

please pray for us because we are hopeful and think we have reason to be medically/numerically and know we have reason in Christ, but the latter doesn't always mean things go the way you would plan them! pray that my hcg levels drop dramatically and stay that way and that we would know as soon as possible with what it is we are dealing.


Blogger keely steger said...

my goodness, court.
we'll be praying.

2:19 PM  
Blogger lauriegirl said...

My school and church families are praying for you.


2:50 PM  
Blogger schupack said...

praying for your family

10:38 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Courtney. We will be praying for those hcg levels to come down! Took mine about 6 weeks to come all the way down (we had similar situation)
After the words 'cancer medication' nothing else was heard. 6 months will be gone in a blink . . and one day all this will be clear.

On a side note to comment on your holiday post below, a little fun diddy we did was get an inexpensive little 6 piece nativity and wrap each figure. Choose a neighbor or a person who you wouldn't have to drive too far and place one wrapped figure in their mailbox each day prior to Christmas (ie: start with the wise men and work toward the Christ child) We like to choose people who might be having a difficult year for some reason, may not be believers, etc. You have to make sure they won't be traveling for the holidays and miss it. At the end, you can leave a note. The kids get giddy about it. Pay attention to which 6 days will work, ie: no mail on Sundays, etc.
Just a fun thing we like to do at our Jewett house.

4:48 AM  
Blogger courtney jewett said...

thanks for all the comments, care, calls, and emails. we are excited to find out something more telling late this week.


10:30 AM  

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