Monday, November 03, 2008

untitled

well, as is most likely known, we have had a hard past week. obviously, the past few weeks have been hard, (see whiny blog below if you have forgotten) but this past one has trumped those by far. i have been having a hard time sleeping at nite and i can't stop thinking about what has happened and how i feel about it. so i am going to try to get some of that out here.

first off, last sunday i started feeling especially ill. then monday and tuesday were the worst i had experienced and i didn't eat from monday lunch until late tuesday nite. tuesday evening we went to the ER b/c i was dehydrated and having bowel problems. everything as far as the baby in particular seemed fine to us. of course, if you go to the er and you are pregnant, they give you an ultrasound (and a foley catheter, ugh). this kind of seemed exciting since my dr has been so booked we can't get in to see her and were kind of anxious to see/hear something about the baby. when we went to the er i was nine weeks six days. it was crazy b/c while the girl did my ultrasound i asked her if she would be able to tell me anything (i was thinking twins, gender, size, etc) and she said no we would have to wait for the dr to read the results and then talk with us. so she stared at the screen that i couldn't see and just took picture after picture and we talked. at one point, i remember, she put her hand on her chest and her countenance changed, whether this was b/c of what she saw i don't know, but she did it nonetheless. it didn't worry me, really, i don't know why. i usually get worried over everything, but i just thought everything about this pregnancy was progressing like the others. after the ultrasound wade and i watched tv for a while waiting on the doctor. when he finally came he had a printout of prescriptions one for constipation, some nausea meds, some painkillers (why?). then he said that my blood levels were at nine weeks and the baby measured nine weeks six days. sounded right on to me. then he says, but there was no heartbeat. i was shocked. i just couldn't even comprehend what he was saying. so the baby is dead, i asked. well, we don't know, it seems but just cross your fingers and go see your doctor tomorrow. thanks, doc. well, that was all it took for me to know. wade was hopeful and i was sure that our baby was dead. not b/c i am smart but b/c my favorite quote which i have sadly shared before, is from LOTR when the rohirrm guy says, about finding the hobbits alive, "trust not nor hope for such things are forbidden in these lands". i know this is not the gospel. but still, the baby was dead. and that is the gospel. so if i had hoped i guess i would have enriched something spiritually or something. but so far, i am still pessimistic and act hopeless at times. but it isn't like i am not hopeful that God will make good of this...i guess it is just that i want to prepare myself and wade would say i want to protect myself.

well, the next day we got in to see a doctor and they did another ultrasound and let us take part. it was surreal, i did hope at that moment. up on the screen was the clearest shot of our little baby, legs, arms, bottom, head...it was bizarre to me b/c we have always had ultrasound after twenty weeks, and here was this ten week baby that looked just the same on the screen. it was terrible because as soon as the baby was up there i recognized the flashing in the dark chamber part was absent. and there was no other movement. deep within me i was begging that baby to do something, to show them that the ER tech had made an error. anything but nothing. nothing is terrible. nothing is death. this tech and the doctor let us see and pointed to what we already knew was not there. they told us that the baby had died. that he measured nine weeks and six days and i asked did that mean that he died tuesday? the doctor said he had died very recently. (i am referring to the baby as a he b/c that is just what i felt like it was when i saw him on the screen.) we decided to do a D&C the next day and that is what we did. it went exceedingly well and the doctor seems to have done a very good job. i am thankful for that and i am thankful that my morning sickness is gone and i am not feeling it for no reason. it has been good to feel alive again even though death has brought it back. i would take the sickness back in a second if it meant i could be pregnant with a live baby.

this was not our first miscarriage. somehow i can't call this one a miscarriage. we have been saying "our baby died". it was the first one to go to almost ten weeks and the first one to be confirmed medically and for us to see on ultrasound. the first one we were set on and the first pregnancy that we have ever planned. there was a lot of waiting to get pregnant since we have three young children and the time finally came that we thought it would make sense to be pregnant, the first time for it to make sense, actually. we love all three of our wonderful blessings, but none of them were our technical idea in the beginning. it took no time to get excited with them (well, one of them took a while) but this pregnancy was something longed for and the day i read the test (correctly) we were jubilant. ecstatic. delighted and tremendously blessed, lavished upon by the Creator of life. so, i think seeing this baby and longing for this pregnancy has made this so sad to us. it has given us pause to praise God for the children we have and realize many people never experience pregnancy, even though it is their deepest longing. we are a strange mix of sad and thankful. we are so overwhelmed by the care and love we have been shown by our old friends and our new friends, our family, by the Church. i haven't gone a day without crying, but i haven't gone a day without laughing, either (well, i guess thursday the day of surgery i only cried). i have heard so many others' stories of this same anguish and also heard about their joy in that anguish. i want the sadness and longing to go away, but i know i need to embrace it and find in it, Jesus, my true reward and treasure. today when whit recited his psalm on which we are working at this time, i was truly comforted by this part: "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me. your rod and your staff, they comfort me." it is a good psalm anytime, yet i see God's providence in us memorizing it right now. we are hopeful to have another baby, but fearful also of this recurring. in all of it, the point of everything we endure is that God will have all of us and will make us like Jesus, and may it be so.

8 Comments:

Blogger Jennifer Rutherford said...

Courtney,
Still praying for you and your family. I didn't get a chance to speak with you yesterday at church but we are thinking about you.
Jenn

1:48 PM  
Blogger keely steger said...

court- i'm amazed, but shouldn't be, as we know that God is truly good. i hear your words often in my head that God's will is pleasing and perfect (obviously not yours originally...). we're still praying for you guys.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Brittany said...

We are also fervently praying for you.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

You don't know me but Keely Steger is a dear friend of mine. I went through a miscarriage earlier this year and I know how you feel. I am praying for you.

5:13 PM  
Blogger The Owens said...

We are praying for you and Wade - thank you for sharing and even in your tragedy pointing us to Christ and the gospel...

6:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Courtney,

Jeff and I are praying for you and Wade. God is great. We love you guys.

Laurie

4:13 AM  
Blogger jonathangraf said...

Jewett Family,
We are so sorry for your loss. Praying that the God of all comfort will prove Himself faithful during this difficult time. We love you...
Squeak and Megan Graf

11:56 AM  
Blogger klp said...

we are praying for and loving you all.

2:15 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home