a slight chance of gloom

well, i think the rain is getting a tad redundant. i think it is starting to wear on me now. i usually enjoy the rain, and thunderstorms i find thrilling. but enough is enough. or maybe it isn't. today i have experienced an emotion that usually make me uncomfortable. bittersweetism. this is perhaps not technically defined as an emotion per se, but you know what i am talking about. today makes 24 hours without having breastfed knox. i am relieved to feel more confident since he will be drinking from an animal that perhaps has better milk than i at this point. i am curious to see if the weight i have not been able to lose this time around is due in any respect to breastfeeding so long (since i have never gone this long before!). i am elated that soon i will be able to run without wearing 4 sports bras! maybe that was too much information.

i am also pretty sad about it. i have only cried about it once, but today as i look out the window and it is dark and wet, it seems this change is even more sad. i will really miss the bonding in that way. i have never thought of breastfeeding as bonding until this time around. i am still not one who believes that breastfeeding is a way to bond with your baby that cannot be replaced by any other means. i think that is untrue. God has not limited us in expressing and receiving motherly love to this alone. i do not feel like my other children are less loved or less bonded with than knox. i believe adopted children can bond with mothers just as children from her stomach can. that being said; it has been wonderful. i am thankful i was able to stick with it, and then i was even thankful i couldn't stop when i wanted to. i have to admit that if knox were doing better with his weight, i would probably not stop for a while. i know that it is perfectly normal for women to nurse to a year, but for me that never seemed achievable for many reasons!

so, today i am grateful that God has seen fit to have given me this opportunity, and i am also grateful that there is another option and other ways to love and care for knox. he is amazing with his cup. he prefers the type of cup his siblings use to the "baby" cup that i was offering him. he is loving solids, though i can tell he tires of eating mush and constantly tries to take our food right off of our plates! if he would only sprout those teeth that are threatening to come out!