real genius

random pics

2009-01-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

here is norah catherine showing off her ballet skills.

on christmas morning before the present explosion.

whit sledding down the stairs. this went very fast, people. it was kind of one of those things that i wasn't sure if we should be doing, but it was such fun.

a little help from mom.

these are the nutcrackers we put out each christmas season. wade's mom got her boys one (still does) each year and then a couple of years ago she gave wade's to us. and she gets her grandsons one each year. so, we have a couple. and i will carry it on when she isn't her to do so, and with all the boys on and on. and for girls, we do snow globes. this was my idea, since wade's mom had no girls (technically), i had to think of something for nc and any other daughters or granddaughters.

this was from november when we took the children to austin. wade had a conference there and we went for a couple days. it was a great city and the hotel was beautiful. the children loved the aquarium, even in their pj's!

i took the children to a park in austin that was so cool. it had a natural swimming hole (we didn't partake) and playground stuff and a train and lots of natural beauty. it was great.

these are a couple of shots from christmas decor. so sad to see it go; wait, we haven't yet! kind of slow this year. i intend to keep it up until epiphany and then next thing i know it is almost february. oh well.

new year, new hopes

2009-01-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

some new year hopes; i don't like to say plans, b/c that just seems presumptuous. these are the practical ones; i will save the spiritual/philosophical/intellectual ones for myself as to avoid seeming...well, i think you know what i mean.

1. run the half-marathon in okc april 26. already crossed off my first training run.

2. make a baby. lord-willing. we are officially out of the woods and i only have monthly lab draws. so, according to the doctor, we can try again in june if i have clear draws from now until then. we might ask about trying in march b/c of some credible medical research stating the need for only 3 month follow-up after a partial molar pregnancy (as opposed to a complete molar pregnancy).

3. start a pretty serious fruit, vegetable, herb garden and become a compostee. my feb issue of bon appetit had some great thoughts on composting and i intend to figure it out. i need to ask the olivers about it because they are compost pros.

4. learn to use the embroider/monogram part of the sewing machine my nana passed onto me.

that's not so bad. surely in a span of twelve months i can accomplish a couple of these!

all hairdryers go to heaven

2008-12-18T11:29:00.001-08:00

yesterday my hairdryer died. well, it was slightly murdered, but in some senses it was only a matter of time. norah catherine was guilty, but i guess it was more or less not premeditated. and kind of an accident. but, when something that close to you dies, you want to blame someone.

why is my hairdryer that close to me?

well, some of you might know this, but for those that don't, i love hairdryers. not for my hair so much, but for my body. ever since i can remember i have taken deep comfort in the sound and warmth of a hairdryer. i have few childhood memories, but two pertinent memories are of this sound/warmth connection. i remember being in sweet bliss when my mom would vacuum. i would run to the couch with a blanket, cover all up (except my head, people who cover their heads in blanket are freakish (sorry husband)) and fall asleep to the sweet melody of the vacuum. the other glorious memory is that of feeling cold or tired or just needing comfort and going to the kitchen to lie down at the bottom of the fridge. the little vent at the bottom shot out warm air and my mom would work around me in the kitchen while i fell asleep there on the ground in sweet warm joy; and the quieter, steady hum was also pleasant, though one prefers it a tad louder.

my parents told me some information that is perhaps linked to this habit, and if nothing else provides a scapegoat for it. when i was a baby and i would cry, they would put a vacuum outside of my door (after they had checked that i was dry and fed) and it would soothe me to sleep; allegedly. i have wondered if it was more soothing to me initially or really the soothing was theirs to have since it allowed them to not hear my crying. not that i am to judge, because for whatever purpose it was meant, i am now the recipient of this wonderful joy. i also found it pure delight when my mom would blow dry my hair, which was not often b/c she liked me to go outside and let the sun dry it. sitting with my mom and feeling the warmth of the dryer and the sound of it, it was so good, a simple thing. which is to say that i also profoundly enjoy fires and space heaters, but the sound quality is slightly lacking.

in elementary school i began to take our hairdryer into my room and fall asleep with it blowing on me. i started to get into trouble for that, what with the danger of fire and all. but i couldn't stop. i would wait until i knew my parents were asleep and then do it. oftentimes i awakened and had weepy blisters on my back or bum. over the years i have learned a good methodology for sleeping with the hairdryer and haven't burned myself since high school. and, i have never caught anything on actual fire, though i have seen a lot of sparks.

in college, i cut down quite a bit because living with others i realized not everyone thought fire hazards a thing with which to play. but still, the weekly afternoon spent reading a book cuddled up with the dryer was irresistible. it was in college that wade and i met, and the dryer thing was beyond tolerance for him. it still is. yet it is a part of me and brings me strange, but not sinful, enjoyment. i try to be considerate (and wise, i guess) and do not keep it on through the nite. but i do take naps with it and i love to turn it on as i get in bed and read and then again when i wake up in the morning. wade says it is the worst sound in the world, a cacophony, perhaps the reason for which that word was created! i think that is a bit harsh, but one man's music is another man's screaming. he actually has a cute little nickname for it, the scream machine.

the most interesting twist in the hairdryer saga, however, is the unrecruited love that my daughter has developed for it. she will come to our room in the morning, climb in bed and say (if it is not already on), "hairdryer, mommy!". i comply joyfully and we find methods to make it work for two. just yesterday, she was in our room for rest time (we had ava and ava was resting in her room) and she ran to find me and said, "mommy the hairdryer is red inside and smells like burning". rightfully alarmed, i ran into my room and found it dead. it is my fault ultimately, because i have not taught her the first rule of dryer operation; you cannot cover the back of it or it will smell most odiously, shoot sparks, and overheat (hopefully before it has caught something on fire). also, i had a chat with her about operating it without my knowing, and i think she really regretted the whole scene. we tried to let it rest and plug it for another go, but it really has expired.

so wish me luck at target today as i find a replacement.

looking good

2008-11-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

well, last week my levels were at 498 which is WAY down from the 1995 the previous week. so far so good. praise God. i go today, i am beginning to feel like a pin cushion, and hopefully soon i will be at zero and can go monthly instead of weekly.

also, dylan got her first bath in over a year. hey, with three children, the dog kind of gets pushed to the bottom of the bathing list!

soon i am going to post some photos of xmas decorations at our house. we have been having fun with that, and norah catherine has been my little helper. she is super cute; she loves helping.

that's all i got.

sorry, this one could be a downer

2008-11-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

so i went to the doctor yesterday for my post-op check-up. wade didn't go with me because we didn't think much of the appointment; he would tell us to wait two months to try again for pregnancy and then that would be it. well, God had other plans.

so, here i am sitting in this doctor's office and he checks me, you know. then i redress and he comes back in and starts talking about the pathology reports on the tissues that they withdrew from my uterus. he said that he didn't think there were going to be any surprises, but there was. wait, what? what is he going to tell me? well, it turns out i had a very rare type of pregnancy called a molar pregnancy. there are two types of molar pregnancies, and mine was the rarer of the two, called a partial molar pregnancy. apparently, this is one of two things (and we will can't know which, and i guess it doesn't really matter): either two sperm fertilized one egg, resulting in a baby with 69 chromosomes (too many to survive ultimately) and the placental tissue starts growing masses (moles) that are pre-cancerous or cancerous. the other case is when there are twins, and one is a mole (tumor) and one is a viable baby that succumbs to the mole. good times. then he says that we will have to have blood tests weekly and then monthly for six months before being released to try again. if all goes well. yes, that is best case scenario. here is where i stopped processing what he was telling me...six months? i was fixated on the devastation of waiting that long, i heard his words after that but i did not understand them or let them into my processing. i was fighting back tears at the thought of not trying again until summer. i got my blood drawn, in a stupor.

on the way home i started thinking, now, did he tell me i have cancer? no, i don't think so, but he did mention choriocarcinoma, which is cancer. hmm, i should have been listening instead of stopping at the six months thing. so when i got home i looked up partial molar pregnancy stuff and i read the words he had said to me, but actually started processing them...hcg levels, chemotherapy, birth control pills, CHEMOTHERAPY? this was just not what i was expecting. i think i am still a little shocked.

i don't want to over-dramatize this, as of now, i don't think that i have cancer. my doctor said there are many positive signs in my case. my uterus is normal size again, a great indication. i don't feel pregnant anymore, also good. although something notable to my recent morning sickness experience, a symptom of molar pregnancy is extreme nausea, but of course, this is so hard to determine from morning sickness, but i knew that this time it was such a different kind of bad. i can hear the words i typed on this very blog about feeling terminally ill, and God forbid it, i hope. okay back to not over-dramatizing, i am hopeful that this will not be cancer. that is because it is daytime and i am somewhat rational. but last nite in the darkness when i couldn't sleep all i could do was cry and think about not seeing norah catherine get married or all of the moments we long for with our children. it was dark and terrible. but the truth is, God didn't promise that i would get to see that and that has to be enough. but it just doesn't feel enough to me right now. i know i should want to see Jesus and be with Him more than anything else, and i believe that once there i would laugh at myself for wanting to be here, but my mind is too finite to understand this fully. okay, i am not saying that i am dying, i don't even know if i have cancer, but i did hear my doctor say "wait and see" and i am scared. to lose a baby, to lose the chance to have another one soon, and then to worry about your future health is just overwhelming at times. the odds are in my favor, only 5-20% of pmp turn into cancer. and even then, if it hasn't metastasized (which this kind goes to the lungs or brain, that's why you have to have chest xrays with your blood draw often) it is almost 100% curable.

so this is the deal; if my blood levels don't fall or if they plateau where they are (in the time of a few weeks) i will have to have chemo. it is a baby chemo, i think, in the sense that it is not knock you off your feet kind. but i am praying that the doctor will call me and say they are falling and looking good, but even then we will have to test monthly for six months! crazy. and, he really wants me to go on the pill, which, for our family has never been an option. he says that a pregnancy during this time would make it impossible to tell if it is cancer growing along with the baby and that if i don't have active cancer cells, it could jump-start that process. so we have realized that this is quite serious and we have to find a way to be sure we aren't taking any chances. i wonder what catholics (old school ones) would do in this situation. i wonder if they would allow nature to take it's course since they don't believe in birth control other than breastfeeding? just a side thought.

please pray for us because we are hopeful and think we have reason to be medically/numerically and know we have reason in Christ, but the latter doesn't always mean things go the way you would plan them! pray that my hcg levels drop dramatically and stay that way and that we would know as soon as possible with what it is we are dealing.

holiday bug

2008-11-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

yesterday i was reading to the children from a snowy, xmas type book and we started talking about the holidays. it was so super exciting because advent and xmastime are full of anticipation, joyous festivity, cold weather (hopefully) and of course, the "reason for the season" (oh, i just did). the children and i were giddy with excitement and kept thinking of the things that come with this time of year. i am going to post a list and if anyone has something that they know i wouldn't want to miss, please let me know! but, as a new and hopefully lasting tradition, this one will get it's own couple of sentences. we are going to see the nutcracker at bass performance hall. lord-willing. i cannot fully explain what it means to me, and we are going to take whit and norah catherine with us. the ticket prices range from not bad to oh my goodness and i am hoping we settle on somewhere in the middle. ballet is my favorite thing that people do in front of others. i guess that is a weird description, but i want to include sports, performances, arts, etc as my pool from which i am drawing. pretty recently we watched a sermon of john piper's and he talked about the ways that we know there is a God in the Rom. 1:20 way, the incontrovertible visions of creation or abilities of creatures that could only be given by a Creator. his thing was gymnastics, he described it and was so excited, it was hard for me to fully enter into it as he can, but i know what he means b/c for me that is (amongst other things and maybe this should be another post) ballet. when i watch it (which i have only done live once or twice) it takes my breath away. it is glorious, impossibly beautiful and impossibly skillful, exhilarating, congruous, fluid, and overwhelmingly moving (for me). i get some of that when i watch men's soccer, but ballet is above all the rest in this area. okay sorry. so i am really excited about this and the children are also delirious with excitement about it and we have been reading our nutcracker book (such a weird story, kind of goofy, i think) and we cannot wait. dec. 19th at 8 pm. okay onto other holiday joys.

1. advent readings and calendar. we go to crivoice.org and print out the appropriate year's book of common prayer readings for advent (we try to do the readings for the whole year, but after easter we get kind of spotty on following the calendar, but i am ready to try again!) we have a little calendar on the fridge and each nite after reading/singing, etc the children each get to put a star on the day and see how long until baby Jesus' birth. they love it.

2. i am not sure about age, but i would love to take the older children ice skating at the galleria and to see the infinitely tall xmas tree they have there.

3. i want to volunteer with the children. we should do this always, but we have not been faithful in this area. our small group is providing a way to do this and we will start working with a children's place and do xmas and birthday parties for the children there, and our family can do it all together, and the children will learn some valuable and hard truths, lord-willing.

4. wade and i have always enjoyed reading a long book out loud together sitting next to a cozy fire. also, we will do this with the children, i think we are going to read the hobbit.

5. decorating the house and tree together. last year nc caught our floor on fire but it was exciting and steph and i were able to put it out.

6. xmas movies and epic movies. these are on all the time during this season, we own LOTR and Harry Potter, but it seems so much more exciting to catch them on tv. something about the season makes usually shrewd movie-viewers excited to watch cheesy, goofy dribble. home alone, elf, xmas vacation (all time fave), etc.

7. wrapping gifts together and watching aforementioned movies.

8. making and having on hand: puppy chow, chex mix, real hot cocoa with endless marshmallows, smores, hot cider with red hots, texas sheet cake, sugar cookies with frosting, gingerbread men, pecan pie, etc. this list could probably go on and on. but if it weren't for this aspect, for what would new year's resolutions be?

9. sending and receiving xmas cards. such a great way to connect with people with whom you haven't in a while (okay facebook might take away some of this novelty), to put their happy faces up in your home and think of them a little bit more during this time.

10. advent candles. crivoice.org also has great info about this part of xmas and it is so great for the children (and us, really).

11. singing, listening to xmas carols on the radio and to xmas pieces on the classical station. SUFJAN XMAS!!! SUFJAN XMAS!!!

12. going to look at xmas lights. we aren't sure where we will do this, being in a new place, but it is an exciting prospect.

13. xmas eve service. meditating on God Incarnate, candles, voices united, cozy pews snuggled with wiggly, sleepy children. the Church, the gospel...ineffably good stuff.

14. well, i would say our annual xmas party, but that might or might not happen at some other yule season. so sad. but somehow we will see our friends and family and it will be so good.

15. giving and receiving (you know you like to get) gifts and knowing why you are doing these things...capitalism? it doesn't have to be, just being intentional in your heart and as you explain to the tykes, that can go a long way, with God's grace.

well, what am i forgetting?

untitled

2008-11-03T11:15:00.000-08:00

well, as is most likely known, we have had a hard past week. obviously, the past few weeks have been hard, (see whiny blog below if you have forgotten) but this past one has trumped those by far. i have been having a hard time sleeping at nite and i can't stop thinking about what has happened and how i feel about it. so i am going to try to get some of that out here.

first off, last sunday i started feeling especially ill. then monday and tuesday were the worst i had experienced and i didn't eat from monday lunch until late tuesday nite. tuesday evening we went to the ER b/c i was dehydrated and having bowel problems. everything as far as the baby in particular seemed fine to us. of course, if you go to the er and you are pregnant, they give you an ultrasound (and a foley catheter, ugh). this kind of seemed exciting since my dr has been so booked we can't get in to see her and were kind of anxious to see/hear something about the baby. when we went to the er i was nine weeks six days. it was crazy b/c while the girl did my ultrasound i asked her if she would be able to tell me anything (i was thinking twins, gender, size, etc) and she said no we would have to wait for the dr to read the results and then talk with us. so she stared at the screen that i couldn't see and just took picture after picture and we talked. at one point, i remember, she put her hand on her chest and her countenance changed, whether this was b/c of what she saw i don't know, but she did it nonetheless. it didn't worry me, really, i don't know why. i usually get worried over everything, but i just thought everything about this pregnancy was progressing like the others. after the ultrasound wade and i watched tv for a while waiting on the doctor. when he finally came he had a printout of prescriptions one for constipation, some nausea meds, some painkillers (why?). then he said that my blood levels were at nine weeks and the baby measured nine weeks six days. sounded right on to me. then he says, but there was no heartbeat. i was shocked. i just couldn't even comprehend what he was saying. so the baby is dead, i asked. well, we don't know, it seems but just cross your fingers and go see your doctor tomorrow. thanks, doc. well, that was all it took for me to know. wade was hopeful and i was sure that our baby was dead. not b/c i am smart but b/c my favorite quote which i have sadly shared before, is from LOTR when the rohirrm guy says, about finding the hobbits alive, "trust not nor hope for such things are forbidden in these lands". i know this is not the gospel. but still, the baby was dead. and that is the gospel. so if i had hoped i guess i would have enriched something spiritually or something. but so far, i am still pessimistic and act hopeless at times. but it isn't like i am not hopeful that God will make good of this...i guess it is just that i want to prepare myself and wade would say i want to protect myself.

well, the next day we got in to see a doctor and they did another ultrasound and let us take part. it was surreal, i did hope at that moment. up on the screen was the clearest shot of our little baby, legs, arms, bottom, head...it was bizarre to me b/c we have always had ultrasound after twenty weeks, and here was this ten week baby that looked just the same on the screen. it was terrible because as soon as the baby was up there i recognized the flashing in the dark chamber part was absent. and there was no other movement. deep within me i was begging that baby to do something, to show them that the ER tech had made an error. anything but nothing. nothing is terrible. nothing is death. this tech and the doctor let us see and pointed to what we already knew was not there. they told us that the baby had died. that he measured nine weeks and six days and i asked did that mean that he died tuesday? the doctor said he had died very recently. (i am referring to the baby as a he b/c that is just what i felt like it was when i saw him on the screen.) we decided to do a D&C the next day and that is what we did. it went exceedingly well and the doctor seems to have done a very good job. i am thankful for that and i am thankful that my morning sickness is gone and i am not feeling it for no reason. it has been good to feel alive again even though death has brought it back. i would take the sickness back in a second if it meant i could be pregnant with a live baby.

this was not our first miscarriage. somehow i can't call this one a miscarriage. we have been saying "our baby died". it was the first one to go to almost ten weeks and the first one to be confirmed medically and for us to see on ultrasound. the first one we were set on and the first pregnancy that we have ever planned. there was a lot of waiting to get pregnant since we have three young children and the time finally came that we thought it would make sense to be pregnant, the first time for it to make sense, actually. we love all three of our wonderful blessings, but none of them were our technical idea in the beginning. it took no time to get excited with them (well, one of them took a while) but this pregnancy was something longed for and the day i read the test (correctly) we were jubilant. ecstatic. delighted and tremendously blessed, lavished upon by the Creator of life. so, i think seeing this baby and longing for this pregnancy has made this so sad to us. it has given us pause to praise God for the children we have and realize many people never experience pregnancy, even though it is their deepest longing. we are a strange mix of sad and thankful. we are so overwhelmed by the care and love we have been shown by our old friends and our new friends, our family, by the Church. i haven't gone a day without crying, but i haven't gone a day without laughing, either (well, i guess thursday the day of surgery i only cried). i have heard so many others' stories of this same anguish and also heard about their joy in that anguish. i want the sadness and longing to go away, but i know i need to embrace it and find in it, Jesus, my true reward and treasure. today when whit recited his psalm on which we are working at this time, i was truly comforted by this part: "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me. your rod and your staff, they comfort me." it is a good psalm anytime, yet i see God's providence in us memorizing it right now. we are hopeful to have another baby, but fearful also of this recurring. in all of it, the point of everything we endure is that God will have all of us and will make us like Jesus, and may it be so.

from the unhappy pregnant girl

2008-10-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

October 27, 2006

Friday

I stink.

My bathroom stinks.

The area by the kitchen sink, stinks.

So many things stink!

And I hate the word stink.

I hate it when someone walks into a room and exclaims, “what stinks!?”

I hate it when parents jest with their little children and say in their playful voice “you stinky butt” and then laugh and laugh.

That’s not funny.

There is nothing funny about having a stinky butt. Go take a bath.

My sense of smell is so heightened that I feel like I see my house in whole new light.

I was lying on my couch the other day and lo and behold I smelled dust, dust!

I told my husband that our couch is too dusty and that we need to clean it.

And of course he says what he always says, “I don’t smell anything.”

I haven’t the energy to continue my plea and it is so annoying when he responds like that.

As if because he doesn’t smell it, my opinion is lobbed off into outer space with no validity.

That is annoying.

And no, I am not in the best of moods right now.

So I might be a bit overwhelming in opinions.

But I am absolutely sure that many things stink in this house because since I have been sick (3 weeks) nothing has been cleaned!

Well, I cleaned my toilet and bathroom sink once.

But it has not been vacuumed, dusted, swept, and I have so much laundry that if I stacked it all up a small child could pretend they are climbing Everest.

I can not wait to feel better.

The first day I feel better I am going to put on a cape and conquer this house.

Then I am going to go visit as many people as I can and give them big hugs and give a small speech regarding never taking your health for granted.

Hmmm, maybe I could even use a microphone, just to really rally them up.

Or sing.

Oh, I want to sing again.

this little poem (?) inspired me today. it is exactly how i feel, except for the mean part about her husband. i can't cite the source specifically because i couldn't find a name, it said only "unhappy pregnant girl". aside from lying i the couch crying i sometimes venture to the computer to edit pictures or read about other women who experience the type of morning i sickness that i have. and cry while i read it. and whit sits behind me on the bed looking at books saying, "mommy you are making me have tears, please stop". that's healthy for your children, right?

i promise this will be my only blog related to this b/c it consumes me and i can't do that to you (unless you are wade or kirsten and then sorry, you hear about it all the time). anyway. i know i always have it like this. the worst part is the smells and the unending gnawing in my stomach and the thirst but nothing sounds good to drink. i tried one time to drink water and it sent my nausea to new levels. so i barely drink anything. i know it is terrible. last nite wade and i were talking (okay i was bawling) about this thing. it just feels like being terminally ill. i know it sounds dramatic, but really i have spent some time with the terminally ill. i mean at least for me it will, lord willing end in something wonderful, and for that i am thankful. sometimes i don't want to talk b/c i feel like i will vomit. but don't worry, i never do. never. i want to, i feel like it could maybe help for a minute, but no, never happens. i gag, but i don't vomit. my house is a disaster, my family eats junk. i feel physically unable to eat food in my house b/c every smell in the house-good or bad-makes me want to die. the past few days i have just been not eating some meals. it seems to hard to even think about figuring out what i could eat.

okay, i could say more about the dark places i have been going in my depressed, dirty, place but i will save that for Jesus. also, wade has been a doll and i feel so badly for him; all of the sudden the person who cooks, cleans, nurtures, washes, etc is useless except for crying and moaning. let's hope it's girl b/c i really don't think i can do this again and have four children to take care during, since i am failing miserably now as it is with three!

I Hate Texas Tech, but this is pretty funny

2008-10-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

if you can't sleep b/c of morning sickness...

2008-10-14T23:03:00.001-07:00

just upload a couple of pics from your weekend!

one is from a shoot with hudson annesley, officially one year old! and the other is from my brother's cowboy wedding. it was interesting.

elkanah and hannah

2008-09-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

don't worry, elkanah is not a name consideration. but if it is your name, i would like to say, it is quite swell, indeed.

today i have been thinking about suffering and longing. they are usually linked. perhaps they are always linked, since one surely always longs for deliverance from suffering. even if they long for it, appropriately, secondly to God Himself. i have a couple of friends who are enduring specific suffering right now. reading in the good book today i came across the story of hannah and samuel. and we all know she desperately wanted a baby and she was known to be infertile. but today i was reminded of an element i don't usually think of in this story. i actually recall it being in the rare jewel, so credit goes to jeremiah burroughs for alerting me to this parallel.

hannah is so upset that she can't eat because of how badly she wants a child. i love her husband, elkanah's response. and i picture him kindly saying it to her, with love and compassion, but compelling her to remember what she has already. he says, "am i not more to you than ten sons?" simple, but good. that is what God says to us in suffering. am i not more to you than...(insert your type of deliverance here). now, ten sons would be more than she could ask or imagine, we would think. but really God is more than more than we could ask or imagine. and what He has for us now is good, pleasing, and perfect. it is perhaps not deliverance from the death of a loved one, the unending financial frustration, the dissatisfaction with our body, that relationship that just never seems to heal, etc. but what He has is, for His beloved, his true sons and daughters, always deliverance from self, from indwelling sin, from ultimate hardheartedness that would keep us from the wedding feast of the Lamb. and always, Christ is near the broken-hearted. our deliverance is always unto Him, He is the reward be it in the form of a fattened calf in joyful celebration or a foreign bread raining down to a complaining people in the dregs of suffering.

God is good all the time. we believe; Lord, help our unbelief.

like-mindedness

2008-09-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

i guess it is a good thing that wade and i have a hard time agreeing about baby names. b/c i know most people find some of my names almost appalling. but...since i can't use some of these golden nuggets, i am going to pass them on for the few, insightful people who are looking for beauty, depth, and rarity in a baby name. i think they are mostly boy names since that is almost all we discuss b/c we are pretty much settled on ainsley for a girl.

whichever sex it is, christian will be one of his/her names because it is true of us, it is pretty, and it was my mom's maiden name. i just can't get with her other names, terri or lois. terri lois christian mason davis. she had a lot of names. she never legally dropped christian or mason (my dad's name) when she added davis (my step-dad's name). i guess she had a thing for names like i do.

anyhoo. here they go (wade's rejects and my shining beauties):

st. john. yeah that's right. like the character from jane eyre, my favorite book. it is just perfect. st. john alexander jewett or something like that. call him st. john. so good.

john kirk. obviously, i, a southerner in heart, love double names. kirk means the church. what is better than that?

yves. sounds a bit girlish, but it is a french boy name. how beautiful is it when you say yves st. laurent? imagine owning an yves and saying it all the time.

john christian. good classic name with great family meaning.

beauregard. good french name.

donovan, ramsey, frasier. frasier; obviously my favorite show (okay not a good reason) and it means: curly haired. we could definitely have a boy without curly hair, but if we did and we named him frasier it could be ironic and everyone needs an ironic name.

darby. used for a girl but is a great gaelic boy name.

liam, rhett, wyatt. these are all fine to wade, but not great.

come then lord jesus

2008-09-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

the blog title is actually just a shout-out to my favorite song on the latest igrace cd.

we had a great time this weekend celebrating whit's birthday with some of our dearest friends and family. at one point saturday nite i was able to enjoy some of my favorite ladies all at once! on our new trampoline (three-way gift for the september children) we played a silly game (unrelated to jumping) and generally acted very goofy. hard to imagine, i know. partaking in the madness was a fun selection of people from my life; kirsten and chewy (recent norman), annie (sister-in-law), hannah (potential sister-in-law), and alison (dear friend since 7th grade). alison is a PT down here and it has been really fun to spend time together again since she left norman and went to A&M for college. it was so great to have everyone and we are blessed to have such wonderful friends/family.

it is weird that whit is 5, but norah catherine is still only 3 (until the 20th). and knox will be two before that so it would seem that norah catherine and knox are actually closer in age! it is hard to imagine having a baby in any other month than september...

but, who knows maybe we will get to find out.

oh and, i love sarah palin. i could say so much about this, (and i have to many kind listeners who humor me often) but i will just leave at that; i love her (so far).

and lastly, God is at work. this afternoon i had a two-hour long talk with someone i really care about. she is really struggling in her religious affairs. this girl is precious, but very reluctant to being vulnerable. essentially she said she used to believe and doesn't now. even though she wants to. she feels that God is not there anymore. it was one of those rare moments when i felt unhindered by fear or dread and told her what i believe and why. there were tears, questions i can't fully answer (how do you get faith back? she asked me), and plenty of gospel beauty. i only hope God will give her the eyes to behold that beauty.

He'll Zap you any way he can

2008-09-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

You have to listen to this guy's enunciation. It's magic. Also, check out the Mighty Mighty Bostones guitar player as well.

"He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me." I can't see how this guy got the opportunity.

This is what I'm sending to all of my friends who are skeptical about the gospel.

Thanks to Matthew Smith for this goldmine. Please, friends, share with us your favorite part. Is it the bass solo? The doobie brother-esque backup singer? You tell me...

nostalgic for norman

2008-08-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

this is sad, i know.

this first lump in my throat of longing and sadness finally came.

thinking about the amazing church and dear friends thriving in the beauty of familiarity and closely-knit relationships?

not so much. not to say that i don't intensely miss those things, but it works it way out in a strange way. i am boyish about that kind of thing and don't really deal with it, i guess (no offense intended to boys).

thinking about the great town that offers almost anything a young family could desire? safe-ish but not really small-towny. teds, tarahumaras, chelinos, any good mexican food (a real dearth of such food here, regardless of the fort worthian arguments otherwise. "uncle j's is okays", that's my rhyming motto. in my opinion it doesn't touch ted's).

not this one either. also missed, but not really bringing out the nauseous sadness.

a few days ago i had to check schedules to plan the tykes' birthday parties and one of the schedules i needed to consult was the ou football schedule. going to soonersports.com almost took my breath away. i literally felt like i couldn't breathe. lump in throat, burning eyes, angry butterflies in stomach. check, check, and check. i officially miss norman in the fall. i even miss the sooner schooner and my definitely awkward moments there (totally initiated by my dad). i miss waking up on a home game day saturday and going for a nice long run around the stadium and the campus. as i run i see everything being put up and all the excitement beginning. the crisp air and the promise of a great day of fellowship, food, the babies (that's the ou football team in my house, or maybe just my head), and victory (we usually win, people, it is just the truth).

when i realized the profound emotion associated with this trivial thing, this game, this four hours of staring a the idiot tube, i was ashamed. ashamed at not feeling this way about these things: people i have left, the community itself, the intimate bonds that i have because of the really only important thing in life, the gospel. i had to think about it for a couple of days.

then i realized what was probably an easy thing to realize. ou football is completely wrapped up in these things. the two things in my life that i love the most are the bookends of this event. my biological family and my spiritual family. i have very little memories of growing up; the ones i have, sadly are almost completely the bad ones. my family was essentially very strife-ridden and broken with no gospel to heal it. but what i do remember was watching this sport i didn't understand and feeling gleefully happy that my family could enjoy this thing together. and then of course, when my parents bought the sooner schooner shop on lindsey, ou football was our means of bread. as the years went on, ou began making a comeback and began to look like the team it was in my youth. better, good, great. i remember working at the schooner the year of our 2000 national championship. wade came to help that morning as we unloaded the boxes of garb. the store was a madhouse and we were working, but it was so exciting. people would yell, "boomer" and others shout back, "sooner" so loudly that it forced goosebumps onto your skin. and there was my family (and a member of my soon-to-be family!) happy together; and really happy after counting down the register that day.

during my college years, ou went to three national championships. i forget the outcome of two of them ;) but i relish the memories of silly things, like my mom and me wooing over kirk herbstreit as he came in to interview shoppers and my dad. we were like teenage girls; we were happy, and at that, together.

the other bookend on this shelf of memories is located at our various homes in marriage. after i quit the schooner we spent those saturdays at home watching college gameday all day. as you may know, our babies were all born in september, and i would often leave the living room, full of beloved friends there to watch the sooners, to go to my room and nurse a baby. i remember nursing whit while kirsten nursed aiden and we would try to hurry so that we could head back to the living room before the game started again. i remember passing norah catherine, or paco, around to various staffords as her brother bounced around with aiden. i can see curt with one of our children sitting on his lap as he intensely watched the game. they always love mr. stafford, even as he watches a game! i can hear wade and curt and josh bantering and chuck "prophesying", if you will. i remember dan smith staying late after games and having great talks with us as i made smores in the fireplace. i remember leaving during half-time to get ice cream with chewy and some RUF girls. of course, that lump is sitting in my throat, now, as i write this, bigger than ever. which saddens me. but it also comforts me that i am sad about these people; my family that i miss- my mom who is gone; my sisters in christ and in my heart, kirsten, chewy, steph, karla...RUFers crowding our house to spend time with their covenant family. having my babies during this season. our children all playing together as we yell, laugh, eat, and sadly, cry over this game.

i love fall. it is my favorite season of all. i am nervous about fall in fort worth, without all of these longed-for things that fall seems to really conjure. it isn't a great start since we can absolutely not get the game, not even if we offered our organs, which might not be asking too much. we think this is the only one we won't get, but i just don't know how to deal with it. we will still have people in our home, but other than wade's family, they won't be our people, and they won't even be ou fans. but, on the other hand, they will be our people, in the church with a capital c way. and God is always good, even if fall starts without my people and my babies (in the sooners being my babies way).

gulf shores...ahh

2008-08-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

the dolphin cruise was tremendously exciting. whit loves the camera obviously.

bennett boy enjoying the view.

the biggest sea jelly i have ever seen. also, the locals were quite impressed with this big fella.

knox after a nice snack of sand. lovely.

aiden looking like a little doll.

the jewkies posing for mommy's many pics.

all of the children after some ice cream at a cute little shop.

good times, for sure. plenty of God's small blessings; a breath-taking dolphin cruise, a hands-on experience with a blue crab, good times with friends who are more like family. a legs-on experience with a sea jelly for whit (he was very brave) that was perhaps less blessingish, yet still God's good providence.

save the drama for your mama

2008-07-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

this afternoon over lunch norah catherine surprised me with a glimpse of her teenagedom to come. the children and i made pretzels together, copying someone from nancy wilson's blog, and as we ate i emphatically oohed and aahed over our culinary creation.

then she said, "mama, aren't you being dramatic?"

"do you even know what dramatic means?"

"i do; like when i am always freaking out?"

"actually, yes. exactly like that."

it is interesting to be completely proud of her verbal complexity and embarrassed by her lack thereof all at once.

port aransas

2008-07-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

the beach was a good time. knox did great on the plane, so for that i am quite thankful. here are some fun shots.

ava walking tenderly along the shore....she was a bit cautious with the sand at times.

knox and ava enjoying the sand together. a rare time when knox wasn't consuming the sand.

probably about to consume the sand by the fistful.

a classic beach/child shot. couldn't resist.

well, not a lot of text tonite; feeling a tiny bit jetlagged from my hour and a half in the sky today. okay, it was not that long per se, but i had knox on my lap the whole time. yeah. that makes it pretty long. even if he did do well. did do...hmm, sounds funny.

planes, trains, and automobiles

2008-07-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

that's a good movie.

anywho. we had a great fourth of july weekend. we spent it almost entirely with tim, taryn, hudson and jonathan ramsey. such good times. we rode a mini-train that goes around the trinity river trails, swam, slid, ate (tim's awesome cuisine, como usual), played zonk, watched arrested development, had meaningful discussion, and enjoyed communion and wade's first time to play at our new church. many things for which to be thankful.

the not so happy part was taking whit to meet my step-mom and sister on sunday afternoon. we met at exit one in oklahoma to send him to grandma's for a week. i have never been without him for more than a weekend and i am trying to have perspective about it. it should help that tonite knox and i will be going on a plane to stay at a beach house of some friends from church. i have never been to galveston, but these gracious and generous and very new friends offered our whole family to join them and kara and ava down at their beach house for the week. wade can't just take off like that, but since whit is gone and wade's family will help out with norah catherine, well...it seems like a fun thing to do. it should ease my pain of being separated from whit, or at least distract me a bit. i absolutely love the beach. i hope knox enjoys it as well as his brother did around this age!

hopefully i will have some pics to display. i finally erased the images of my last job shoot off of my card. i get so paranoid about losing shots that i am afraid to erase my card and then i don't take important pictures, like when our friends were here for the weekend. no shots of those adorably chubby hudson cheeks? what a shame.

and whit should enjoy his journey home on saturday; he is riding the train from norman to fort worth. he sure loved it the first time we did that and with his grandma and aunt with him, it can only be more exciting!

DVR is evil and so are honeymoons

2008-06-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

since we have lived in this new house, it is the first time that we have had DVR or TIVO or whatever it is actually called by our servicer. i have always been pretty snotty about the overuse of television (which to me at one point would have been to watch it at all unless you are watching a movie or very pregnant and can't sleep or college football was on). this has caused some marital tension because i always overdo my snobbiness for my husband. and he does like some tv, not a lot, really, but specific things. i would have to give the credit to project runway for calling me out of this immoderacy (word?). it was the first show that i would plan to watch and do so religiously, even celebratorily. then top chef, also.

all of this to say: since having dvr we have begun to record our favorite shows. if you looked at our recorded tv list at this very moment, you would find 64 shows. fifty of them are frasier (totally my doing) and the others are a variety of the office, arrested development, and some boring history things wade records. wade is out of town and i pretty much watched frasier for like three hours last nite. sad, really. and i even let whit stay up with me watching a lot of it. we ate snacks, drank pop, cuddled with a blanket, and discussed the show. not my best parenting, but still really fun. the best part was the discussion we had regarding daphne and niles going on their honeymoon.

whit: where will i go on my honeymoon with my wife, mommy?

me: i don't know, buddy, you and your wife will pick that. where would you like to go?

whit: i would like to take her to the mountains. yeah, the smokies.

me: oh, yeah we had a lot of fun there, would you ride the alpine slide?

whit: no, we would go into the mountain where it is dark and creepy (scary laugh). she would be so scared! (victorious laugh).

me: you know, whit, honeymoons aren't (usually) really scary events. they are full of love, joy, rest, and a lot of kissing.

whit: (covering his eyes and ears and turning red) THAT'S DISGUSTING!

he was so embarrassed that i brought kissing into the equation. it is just so typical, like, girls -have- cooties type stuff. and he totally has a crush on the girl across the street and talks about her a lot and it pains him to talk about her, but he can't help it, he wants to talk about her. so weird, so early...

with high gas prices...

2008-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

it is indeed good to have things to do in your neighborhood. like being secure in your manhood with the neighbor, Justin.

like playing with frogs.

or smelling them?

or walking to the neighborhood waterpark for a swim or to go down the slides.

the blue one is really quite scary. the red one is very slow and pretty lame, but for whit, it was a blast. yesterday was his and norah catherine's first time to go down the slide. you have to go alone, be able (or willing) to go under water after you come off of the slide, and be able to swim to the steps, no parents catching you allowed. they did awesome, we were very proud.

praise God for neighborhood enjoyments.

the afflicted condition

2008-05-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

it is interesting reading contentment (yes, i am still plowing through it, it is tiny print and you can't read more than 10 pages a sitting b/c you are overwhelmed with how far away from true thinking you daily are) because burroughs talks about how christians generally live in an afflicted condition. it is scary how foreign this is from the present mentality of many branches of the church. there is, of course, a spectrum and i am not suggesting that we are living out a health and wealth gospel; well, not blatantly. but inside my heart i want things. there is no area of my life that is immune from desiring.

obviously, we are created for desire and the ultimate end of that desire is Christ. but burroughs distinguishes desiring after things and enjoying them as they come with the "dew of God's blessing". that term is one he often employs in the book and it is really refreshing to me. that we should only enjoy/love things (or people, jobs, weights, emotions...) as they are given to us by a loving God. that we love God in them, not inherently per se, but His dew of blessing that is on them. the essential point being that if they were taken away, we should say, "that seems hard to lose, but if God will make it up to me with more of Himself, i will be okay". it is disastrous how little i feel i could respond that way. for one, i am always subconsciuosly bargaining with God. if that thing becomes mine, i will honor you with it and what fun for me it would be. for another, i scarce believe i would be satisfied with God alone. did i write that? it is hard to utter, but is sadly a true fear. BUT, is it not when we are brought low that God seems nearest? in my experience this is true and i believe that scripture would back it quite well. it is like the hymn "i asked the Lord". reading this book is like singing that song again and again. deliriously frightful and incomparably comforting all at once.

soon i will be almost thirty. some of my friends are coming this weekend and i am jazzed about that. my children are getting old and have made friends here, praise God. reading knox's history of the reformation in the realm of scotland. it is fun to read about my son's namesake. it is not fun to read about this horrifying time in the church's history, i cannot believe some of the things i am reading, i mean i was familiar with the selling of indulgences (which is very appalling, indeed), but papal orgies? whoa. but i really love ireland and scotland and am learning things, like geography and history. you know, things i managed not to learn with a 4.0 in advanced classes from norman public schools. not blaming them, it could have been me?!?!

home sweet home

2008-05-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

well, we are finally getting settled in down here in texas. i think i am really going to enjoy fort worth. norman is essentially my first love, but fort worth is shaping up pretty well. i finally have all of the boxes either unpacked or shoved out to the garage until their contents become necessary or desirable. mostly those boxes contain decorative items that i am not utilizing at present b/c i am unmotivated and can't paint all at once. so, our h0me looks pretty plain right now, but praise God, it is our home and i have been able to revive the other domestic capacities which have lain dormant in these past seven or so months. except the cleaning part which was more alive than it has ever been, while we were having to stay "show ready" during the selling phase of the old house. but cooking has been such an enjoyment. last nite i made these honey yeast rolls, from scratch mind you, and they were literally the best rolls i have ever enjoyed. and people, if you haven't ever had sister schubert rolls slathered in butter, than you are missing a chapter in your life. but, these easily rivaled and just barely surpassed even sister schubert's delicacies. we had a couple over from fort worth pres and they also enjoyed the rolls. if this sounds appealing, email me and i will be happy to send you the recipe, it is from southern living. bomb.com

wade has been travelling a lot (i am pretty sure brits spell that word with two l's and if they don't someone should because it looks so much better that way) and while this amount of travel and length of travel isn't typical it has all come at once. that is a bugger b/c i would really like to have him around now that we live in the same town again! last week when he was gone karla graciously visited me. it was such fun, the children were ecstatic to have her and knox was taken with her, which says something of the little fickle freddy. she came down to visit and to work on norah catherine's room. i had a picture from a magazine and she very talentedley (is a word) began the foundation for a very cute room. she drew the flowers and painted some and left the drawn flowers for me to paint. that will probably not happen too quickly! but it looks great and norah catherine loves it and is excited for when it will be all together. really her room and the dining room are the only two rooms we have worked on much. the dining room is my baby. i love the color (thanks for your expertise, kara) and it will all revolve around this painting i bought just before we moved. i absolutely love this painting and i can't wait to get it on the dining room wall. i call the painting "eleanor" and she is my muse for the whole house. you won't be able to really appreciate it in the pic but i am posting it anyhow. these pics are from nc's room and the dining room.

now that's good stuff

2008-04-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

"a christian values every service of God so much that though some may be in the eyes of the world and of natural reason a slight and empty business, beggarly elements, or foolishness, yet since God calls for it, the authority of the command so overawes his heart that he is willing to spend himself and to be spent in discharging it. it is an expression of Luther's that ordinary works, done in faith and from faith, are more precious than heaven and earth."

now there's some impetus and joy in changing diapers and sweeping floors after three toddlers have eaten above them. mindless? mundane? without the worldview of jeremiah burroughs, definitely. but with it...glorifying and an honor. remind me of this tomorrow.

"it is, indeed, the top and the height of this art of contentment to come to this pitch and to be able to say, "well, my condition and afflictions are so and so, and very grievous and sore; yet, through God's mercy, i am in a good condition, and the hand of God is good upon me notwithstanding."

i dare you to read rare jewel of christian contentment. i have been putting it off for a while now and it is too bad i did. jeremiah burroughs uncovers every excuse, every murmur, every hidden rebellious thought in your heart and leaves no room to wiggle. but he does it with love and grace and it is a cup of fresh water. it is like talking to doug about sin and afterwards thinking, "i just got my ass kicked. man, i feel great!"

genes are weird

2008-04-03T12:29:00.001-07:00

if my mom were alive to see this picture, she would double-take. this looks exactly like me when i was knox's age, except my hair was more strawberry (i was a ginger for about a year).

the lone star state

2008-04-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

so things here in texas are interesting. it hasn't been easy, but i shan't complain...for now. i am sure i have been doing enough of that these days. i haven't really had to deal with any deep emotional turmoil regarding leaving my friends, family, or favorite town in the world. i think it is for the same reason i didn't intensely/emotionally miss wade during the five months we lived apart: there is just too much practically to deal with being in such a small space with three toddlers. you just keep your head down and try to survive, knowing there is always more oil coming out of the jar; Christ is ever-sufficient.

lord willing, we will be closing on two houses in the next eleven days. it is such over-my-head adult stuff that i feel like i can't even figure it all out. if i were a millionaire, i would definitely have a Sven. have you seen the commercial? i really love it. or at least i would have a lawyer and wouldn't get out of bed without having a briefing with him first.

texas has some great benefits, but i have been finding that norman (i already knew it, i guess) is a special place. especially if you have young children. for example: there are seven libraries in arlington and not one of them has a space for children to play. they all have beautiful and large children book areas and great storytimes (actually the storytime itself is the best i have seen; mr. bob is awesome, sorry, miss susan whom i dearly love) but before and after storytime children can only look at books or computers; no play stations or gerbils. this doesn't work very well with three toddlers, especially when the only reading one can only read basic words like fun, run, sun, bat, at, sat...you get the idea. so, the before and after time is pretty stressful b/c whit wants to play on the computers but nc and knox are just looking for trouble. also, the mall park in arlington is babyish, which caters well to knox, but not so much the other two. kara tells me that in fort worth one of these will be remedied, i think they have a cool mall park. i don't know what i would be doing if we couldn't hang out with the simonsons. my children's favorite activity is going to miss kara's house. they can't get enough of her grilled cheese and kind hospitality. we are hoping to go to the zoo on thursday with the tots and canton (benefit of texas) on saturday, sans children! if you don't know canton is like the biggest flea market in the nation. it takes all day.

i have enjoyed reading a book called ireland. i forgot who wrote it, but i highly recommend it. it was like reading about the history of ireland in a storyteller's words. essentially it is about a nine year old boy who was profoundly impacted by a visiting storyteller and spends his youth seeking this man and his stories. some great plot twists and wonderful learning about ireland if you are so inclined as i am. i want to read all of this guy's books. they all have to do with the little island. i am irish on my father's side, actually they are irish catholic, my late uncle was even a priest. it is interesting to read about catholicism and ireland. i really had no idea about so much of the protestant/catholic tensions in ireland, not surprisingly since i don't know a lot of history. this book is one of my top ten, i really loved it. it was beautiful to read aloud some of the stories to whit.

if you are looking for some hard labor on thursday, april 10th, we will be packing up our home in norman, i think into a uhaul. we would welcome any help!

7 things about me

2008-03-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

1. i shower once a week. usually a saturday (if we have a date or event) or sunday morning (for Jesus).
2. i am co-writing a book with a dear friend (she has three sons). it seems writing books is so now. so fierce.
3. i would really love to name a son Saint Alexander or Saint Mark Alexander.
4. i am obsessed with root beer. this has been going on for about two months. i really think that i have a root beer as lunch about three times a week.
5. i am anemic. this causes some oddities: i could probably live on sonic ice. i have consumed laundry detergent. i have also consumed irish spring soap and since forcing myself not to consume it, have, in desperate times, resorted to rubbing the soap all over my arms in the bath until a whole bar is almost gone so that i can smell it intensely. whoa. that probably crossed into scary for the reader, but still, it's a disease, and i can't help it.
6. if i weren't doing what i am doing, i would: steal ideas from doug's blog, be a photographer, write books, flip houses.
7. in high school, i won the title of "female class clown". i remember thinking, "that's weird". but then i realized that i can be pretty goofy. i can't tell you how many times in my entire life people have asked me if i am drunk (now they just accuse me of it, josh spears) when i had not even had a drink. if i am nervous or excited, whoa. i can be a little wild and just plain bizarre. not all people handle emotion the same way. chewy laughs when she is in pain, i laugh when i am nervous or scared. adrenaline just really does some funny things to me.

goodbye week days i know

2008-02-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

well, it is almost that time. each day this week it has been strange. i have said to the children, "this is the last day we will...(insert weekly activity)." they have gotten so cute about knowing which days of the week come after others and what we do on that particular day. and how many sleeps until the day they are looking forward to (usually mondays for "lunch school" or wednesdays for grandma's/mrs. stafford's or sundays for small group or thursdays for playing with the spears boys). that was a long parenthetical. probably should have just made that a real sentence...hmm.

it is really sad to leave. there are just some things that seem too painful to actually lose. like it can't be processed really. there are so many things and they are all completely wrapped up in this community with which God has infinitely blessed us. here is a tiny glimpse into the weekly life for which we will long, while trying to trust that different always becomes familiar when the body of Christ is the context.

sunday: this past sunday it was all i could do not to cry as we took communion and before us was wade, kyle, clint, brittany, maggie, etc, playing unto the Lord. next to them was doug at the Table, young guys preparing to pickup the offering, jc stafford looking way too old already...it was hard to swallow, literally. i know it is so bitter for wade to walk away from that. it just makes you think of a great cloud of witnesses. and it is perhaps tooting my own horn in a cleaven way, but i am going to miss the music. badly. the whole service, indeed. i know that God's church is global, but it feels so strong and alive here at christ the king, in norman...small group is always a good time of people and food gathering. the children love being around the older kids and will miss that so much.

monday: lunch school (mother's day out) is a big deal to my children. they have those in texas, though. but they won't have "gavin, emma, zion, and miss lecia" (or so say the children). yoga and pilates with chewy. often a great supper by chef steph (i like that, it rhymes; doesn't it?).

tuesday: running the loop around campus. this is a pretty devastating loss. we have an absolutely beautiful campus. and it is pretty safe, i think. surely compared to the dfw area. when i run there i almost always get hit by a car when i use my ipod. so that's fun.

wednesday: taking norah catherine (and recently knox, without whom i am never, but he actually digs mrs. stafford which is weird for him b/c he only likes me, really, these days) to karla's. it is always an excuse to hang out with her a bit, which i really love. errands and lunch by myself at restaurants. dinner made and delivered by kirsten; so gracious and thoughtful. yoga and pilates with chewy. project runway party at my house, with hot tamales!

thursday: play date with kirsten and the boys. great for the children, awesome for us. we endure public excursions with six children under five. SIX CHILDREN UNDER FIVE. TWO ADULTS. do the math, the odds are really not in the favor of the big people. this is hardcore stuff, people. we get scared, we get angry, we get stressed, we laugh, we cry (it has happened)...D to the RAMA. but we get to do it together. and that makes it totally fantastic. and endurable. running the loop and smelling greek house...simultaneously; kinda weird. watching my guiltiest pleasure (i will not name the show) with steph if she isn't at work. good times for us.

friday: WADE COMES HOME!!!! this one is the only one that i am so excited will not be normal anymore. we will get that exclamatory sentence EVERYDAY! (lord willing). this is why we are leaving normal weekdays behind. for a new normal.

saturday: i don't even remember, because WADE IS HOME!!!!!! something about a long run and a kitschy donut shop, but it is all foggy because WADE IS HOME!!!!

so, new normal, here we come. oh and if you can't get enough of us on the blog check us out on facebook. our meddlesome friends took the liberty and signed us up. i am learning. i like it, alright. but it gets a little confusing for this old grey mare.

and keely, i am working on the tag...i am just not all that interesting!

Gamblers Welcome

2008-01-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

well, we have decided that the children and i will be joining the potts residence (wade's family) in arlington starting in march. lot of sanctification for the whole lot of us, no doubt, but indeed God will sustain us all. steph is going to move out and wait until we are out of the parent's house to join us. please be praying for us as we put this strain on our family and wade's parents, too. we are sad to draw this norman thing to a close, but happy to be together again.

if anyone knows of anyone interested in moving to a new place, we have a proposition for them. we are looking for someone to stay in our home for $500 a month and keep it up for showings. showing the house only means leaving for an hour when someone wants to see it. this is kind of a rush deal b/c we are going in march and would like to have someone in here then and they would need to give their current situations due notice, i guess. the price is a discount for sure, but the gamble is that if the house sold said persons would have to find another place to live. of course, they would have thirty days to do so, but... i am happy to talk details with anyone interested or if anyone has someone in mind who might be interested. please email me at courtneyjewett@aol.com.

this week is not looking very fun. wade is in new jersey at "bone school" until late friday nite. bummer.

sick out

2008-01-14T07:35:00.001-08:00

apparently this is wade and mason's idea of a good christmas present for their dad. i actually had to endure a whole evening of them dressed like this and with these nasty mustaches. and mason was "in character" throughout the whole evening. i know, right?

is it spring yet?

2008-01-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

this is the part of winter that is my least favorite. not good, since technically winter began only days ago on december 21st. long way to go. i don't really have resolutions, per se, but i have "hope fors". yeah, that takes a lot of the pressure off. i won't share those, really, but here is what i have been up to.

1. usual mothering stuff.
2. playing freerice.com. colleen parish sent this little gem over the listserve and now i have a new sin to wrestle with! yay! but really, i have to set a time limit on this and i am pretty obsessed with how exciting it is to play. if you check it out, be sure to read the FAQ (that's "Frequently Asked Questions") to see how it all works. you can enhance your lexicon and feed the hungry all at once thanks to the huge capitalism machine blinking at the bottom of the screen!! whoo hoo!
3. starting training for my second half-marathon. such fun was that last one. i am actually doing a harder training program and am a bit worried about the time committment on this one, but we'll see. i really loved the half-marathon i suspect it will be my race of choice, but as i haven't yet tried the full, i can't say for sure.
4. really wanting to entreprenue. can you use the word in that fashion? i have two invention ideas, a green dry cleaners i want to start, and a book i want to finish writing. (easy to throw that out all casually, but really i have probably only written ten pages and as for my c0-author, well there is rumor of pages, but i've never actually seen these "pages" ;) ).
5. starting to wrestle with God on having a happy heart about this living away from my husband stuff. three months has seemed my fill, but isn't that the way it always is with us? "okay God i can do this suffering martyr stuff, but there is a cap on it, surely, right? this is how much i can take (__X___ amount of time) but then after that, i would really like my fat life back." please. that is totally how i am in my ugly heart, but don't worry God is truly the king of all things, and sanctifying that whiny moany stuff out? well, He has ways. usually they involve blowing your "time limit on suffering" out of the water. perspective is easily, yet dangerously avoided and then it comes and can be such a rude awakening.

next time i am going to post the sweetest, nastiest pictures i have ever seen. a couple of wade and his brother getting sicked out to pose for a xmas shot for their dad. it involves mustaches and secondhand sweaters and it is horren.

drama drama drama

2007-12-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

the other nite norah catherine was screaming in her bed. this could be normal, but steph and wade and i went in there b/c it sounded a little more dramatic than a normal norah catherine thing. she was sitting up in her bed screaming and saying there was fire on her and really freaking out. she was screaming that it was burning her and telling us where, but she was not yet fully awake. (granted, a few evenings earlier she had actually caught something on fire in the fireplace, thought it was bad to have caught it on fire then pulled it out and placed the now FIREBALL onto our carpet which steph attempted to put out WITH HER BARE HAND which only swept it onto the dog then i snuffed it out with a pull-up; so she did have actual fodder for this event). upon finally waking her, she frantically details how there is fire still on her and can't we see it? it is there by her doll stroller in the corner of her room. it is burning her on her armpits and look, there it is, on the floor at her bed. see it? see it?

okay.

if you know me, i do not handle children half-asleep walking about in the nite, staring at me while i sleep, just standing in the hall when they were asleep moments ago, etc. very well. children can be utterly freaky in these terms. this is why the horror-movie industry has used this angle repeatedly. it works. it is scary as crap. so, my infant daughter screaming about her skin burning in her sleep then waking and hallucinating, actually seeing things that are not there and wondering how we can all be calm as her room is burning down and taking her with it...yeah, not my cup of tea exactly. we realized she had a pretty good fever, of which she had no indication at bedtime, and no other signs of illness. i was like, i think she just had a nite terror. i didn't even know much about that, but i like to diagnose and that seemed pretty viable as far as guessing goes. wade and steph actually did not attempt to dissuade me from my diagnosis, which is really rare, so i thought i might really be onto something. i was. this is a snippet of my research:

"Children from age two to six are most prone to night terrors, and they affect about fifteen percent of all children,[1] (although people of any age may experience them). Episodes may recur for a couple of weeks then suddenly disappear. The symptoms also tend to be different, like the child being able to recall the experience, and while nearly awake, hallucinate. Strong evidence has shown that a predisposition to night terrors and other parasomniac disorders can be passed genetically. Though there are a multitude of triggers; emotional stress during the previous day and a high fever are thought to precipitate most episodes. Ensuring that the right amount of sleep is gained is an important factor." (wikipedia)

just the kind of excitement i have been looking for as a mother living half-weeks without a husband here.

daddy's eyes

2007-12-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

into the wild

2007-12-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

finished this book today. i definitely cried. it isn't as if i didn't know the ending! i realize that i am clueless about what is going on in this little world but i wish someone had told me about this book. apparently it is a movie that came out "fall 2007" or whatever that means. it must be code for "you won't even know it is a movie here in Hickahoma". one reason i will be glad to be a "texan"; movies really will come out in "fall 2007"! not that i am really going to be a technical texan. or actually that is precisely what i will be. but i won't be a texan in my heart. sorry, rambling. okay so the story of this boy is just going to be one of those things with which i am obsessed and of which i cannot let go. last nite i had stephanie on the trail to find actual pictures of christopher (the boy in the story). no such luck. there is one and only one picture that can be found and it is the one i already have in the book! so what i learned from this book:

1. i am a sucker for sad stories.
2. don't eat moldy things; you never know what could happen. especially if you are in a semi-starving condition.
3. the author (not my favorite writing per se, but the story is irrestible) has written other books that i would like to read.
4. people in alaska are bizarre. they call their state "the 49th state". that's weird. they all seem to be adventurey-type people and consider "death by the land/nature/elements" a welcome inevitability. it is going to happen. when is the only negotiable.
5. there is a lot out there happening in this country for which i don't even have the lexicon. apparently hitchhiking is a way of life for some people and it is on purpose and perpetual and not b/c they are homeless (which if they are, that too, is intentional) or their cars broke down or they can't afford the bus.

it was a weird book but i am glad to have read it.

Enter the Jewett House Selling Contest!

2007-11-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

so, jolly dixon gave me an idea to sell our house. she said that she got some tips on selling houses on the television and one seemed very innovative. you are supposed to have a garage sale and an open house on the same day. then as people buy things from your garage sale you give them a flyer about your house and you tell them that if someone buys your house and has that flyer (i am assuming w/ their name and info on it), then you will give them $1,000. apparently it has worked for some people. sounds new and different to me, but there are a couple of obstacles for me doing this. one, it isn't really the season for garage sales and two, i am probably too lazy to host those two events at once (or at all) right now. i know, some of you are thinking that if i were really motivated i would attempt this, but those some of you haven't spent days and nites without end alone with three toddlers. (okay, steph is here but sometimes she isn't). those some of you don't know that said motivation has been trampled over by whining, fighting, and overall unpleasantness caused in part by total depravity and also lack of two parents in daily life. one is such a lonely number.

but, all that to say, if anyone sells our house we will give them $1,000. no flyer needed, just the buyer saying you told them about it. i really mean it. one grand in your hands. satisfaction guaranteed. now get to selling!

birth and beyond

2007-10-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

i have been reading christ plays in ten thousand places by eugene peterson. it is interesting. i feel kind of conflicted reading it b/c i adore his writing style, but sometimes i am thinking, what? it is really hard to explain what i mean, it is not as though he is writing about concepts that are too hard to discern, but rather he is writing about things in a way i have never thought of (hate to leave the "of" dangling, but too lazy to reword the sentence). so, in a sense it is refreshing. in another sense it is like, what? i know there is nothing new under the sun, but there is plenty new to me, i guess. i really enjoyed the beginning part of the chapter "christ plays in creation". peterson is describing how he saw his first live birth (his daughter in law's third baby) and the impact it had on him. these are some of his thoughts that i found compelling.

*"nowhere i have ever been and nothing i have ever done in God's creation rivals what i experienced in that birthing room."

*"i have climbed mountain peaks that gave me views of glaciated mountains in wave after wave of ranges, but none of those breathtaking vistas was comparable to seeing that baby enter the world."

*"Does anyone ever get used to this? i was captured by the wonder of life, the miracle of life, the mystery of life, the glory of life."

*"Birth, any birth, is our primary access to the creation work of God. Jesus' virgin birth provides and maintains the focus that God himself is personally present and totally participant in creation, which is good news indeed."

This is such good stuff. That giving/seeing birth is a moment when God's utmost creative power is experienced most fully in our pre-glory state. The profound retelling of Immanuel that each birth is, not that we give birth to a Godman, but that it calls us back to remember the birth that stands above all births, the gospel of "God with us". The doorway through which God chose to enter our world; to dwell, in flesh, with His people was the earthy, messy, beautiful, glorious process of birth. It is no wonder to me, personally, for I am in love with watching/experiencing the birth of babies. The first birth I ever watched was when I was eighteen. It was crazy and amazing. Since then, I have seen a couple and I love it. I have thought that if I had never married and had a career instead of children, I would like to be a labor and delivery nurse. To see that happen everyday, would be so great. When Whit was born there were 10+ people watching his birth and I loved it. It is such a gift to give.

On other notes, Kirsten and I ran eleven (11) miles yesterday and it was awesome. God blessed us with a great run and we were really excited and not a little sore (still).

OLD CHILDREN!

2007-10-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

well, the crazy birthday month is past us and i finally got the pictures off of my camera and onto kodak gallery. whit is four years old! i cannot believe it. he likes spiderman and aiden. as you can see.

knox is one. it seems only yesterday that i was praying he would be one. whit constantly pulls his feet out from under him as he walks b/c "now that he walks he isn't my BABY brother anymore". fun times.

norah catherine is three years old. this is my favorite dress and one of my favorite faces she makes. i love her heart. she is supremely rebellious but also amazingly repentant.

i blogged this because i am getting pretty sad about leaving the children to go to santa monica friday. i am so excited but so sad at the same time. i think this mixture of emotion is becoming a theme in our life...

good times

2007-10-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

well, last nite was bittersweet. it was wade's last nite to play music for OU RUF. he has been doing this for over six years now and it is a part of him. laboring with doug in RUF is probably one of the favorite things he has ever done. God has seen it fit for this chapter to close, but it went out with style. we were both overwhelmed by the love and support shown by our friends during this time. blake and kara simonson drove to norman on a wednesday nite to be here for this, as did sam negus. brian hewes showed up (okay he moved back yesterday, but still...) and it felt somewhat reunionish. when blake got up to play with wade and the band, kara and i thought we were in heaven watching them play together again. clint and wade and blake. so fun. of course nicole made me cry. singing be still my soul with the Church didn't help on the crying front. it was just so overwhelmingly beautiful. poor doug, though. he got pretty sick. jessie maynard made an awesome shirt for wade that says, "pray for tuning" and that was just great. several people got together and donated money to get wade a hefty gift card at his favorite restaurant, buffalo wild wings (sick out; i know, right?). doug gave wade some books and some good words. after RUF we went out to coach's for some beer and fellowship. it was a great evening spent with old friends and new. God is good to His people. leaving norman will be so very difficult.

so, things are about to get really crazy.

tomorrow we head out with the spears on a long drive to the young married's retreat at haminha. looking forward to this very much. nervous about leaving knox, i am so attached to that child! he is my baby! not really excited about the game yet, it is pretty much a duel between two losers as far as i am concerned right now. yes, i am spoiled and immature regarding the sooners. sam was reminding me of this last nite, and i am quite sure he is right, but at present i am not looking for growth in this area. ;) it will be fun to do some antiquing and have a nice leisurely (especially after our EIGHT MILE run last sunday nite) run with kirsten and meghan.

monday nite wade will go to dallas and the children and i will meet him there thursday nite. friday morning wade and i will leave for santa monica to attend will canon's wedding. that should be really fun. chewy and steph helped me find the perfect dress for this shindig. i mean, there will be crazy LA people there and i wish i didn't care what they think of me, but unfortunately i really will care. i don't want to hear, "you look great for having three children!" which is what people say. i have to believe their intentions are good, but come on, are you serious? does that sound like a compliment? it is like, you look good for having a large nose. yes it is, don't argue. especially if you haven't had three children. anywho...we will be staying here. with an oceanview room. they are getting married on the beach and it will be my first beach wedding. it will be my first california visit, actually. i am much more a south east girl, but am excited to see california nonetheless. upon returning home, wade will leave the next morning (monday) for michigan for the week.

that is only the first half of the month!

six point eight

2007-09-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

kirsten and i ran 6.8 miles last nite. it was good, but my upper hammies and gluteus max are pretty dang sore. it was our long run for this week, and is actually my longest in about three months. in two weeks we do 8. we were pretty nervous b/c we weren't sure if we were ready, but we talked the whole time (which will tell you something about our "speed") and we really enjoyed it. i am so proud of kirsten, i have been running longer than she has but one wouldn't know it. she is amazing.

i wonder how all of the other trainers out there are doing? i know the one i am married to has stopped the training part of training. i am sad b/c i know he can do it, anyone can, but i understand that it is really hard for both of us to train for this thing at the same time and not sacrifice too much of our time together. especially with all of the other things we have going on during the week.

there is talk of doing the tulsa run coming up soon. my friend mary catherine works for SEMGROUP, which is a big time company (she is kind of a big deal ;)) in tulsa, and she asked me to run it a long time ago. she does a lot of the runs in tulsa and ran her first marathon a few years ago. she is also amazing. anywho, her boss is the "celebrity runner" for this tulsa run and many people in the company are participating. SEMGROUP is a pretty big supporter of OU football, they are a big time sponsor and i hear that they have a pretty sweet suite in the stadium. okay i am officially rambling.

later players.

es oficial

2007-09-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

well, i guess that it is official. wade has signed papers and we will be embarking upon a new journey in our life. he only has to pee in a cup and then mail it to the new company's HR office and then it is as good as done. we are very excited and very nervous. it is a great opportunity and the company is very appealing to wade as far as integrity and family-friendliness are involved. i have lived in norman for twenty-eight years and it will be pretty outside my comfort zone to live somewhere else. i was never one who was itching to leave her hometown and see what is out there. there is just something about norman. maybe everyone says that about their hometown, but i doubt it. i hope there is something about fort worth, too. i am really looking forward to having a Whole Foods store nearby. that place is pretty fun. i could spend hours in there (and have). i can really see how God could use this experience to stretch us and grow us, but i hope we survive all the first part of it to even get there! wade will begin oct one and be gone most of oct, then in november he will move in with his folks in arlington, texas while the children and i stay in norman until the Lord wills our house to be sold. i am especially nervous about this aspect of the whole experience, but i think it will be better than five of us trying to live an unknown amount of time in wade's parent's house. it is pretty good size, but there are FIVE of us. that DOUBLES the present body count in their home (wade's cousin jill also lives there). at first we had found a builder and decided to build, but after some wise counsel, we have decided to rent down there until we figure out what part of fort worth we will like to buy or build in. which church, which school, whole foods, supertarget, braums (the only milk our children will drink). hopefully, by next fall we will be moving (AGAIN) into a pretty permanent home (lord willing). so...please pray for us in these ways:

1. survival for the children and me as wade is away f/ us five days a week (patience for me)
2. favor in the house selling arena (if you know anyone who wants to buy a house, send em our way!) the faster we can sell our house, the sooner we can all live together
3. zeal and quick learning for wade as he endeavors to work unto the lord in his new job
4. that we would find a community with the potential for us to serve in and know and be known as we are with our present community

we are thanking God in this time of the unknown for the chance to trust Him without knowing when things will work out nor how, exactly.

calling 911

2007-08-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

today was crazy. wade's parents are in town and sandy (wade's mom) and i went shopping. all day knox has been fussy, drooling, spitting up snot, and having a low grade fever. when sandy and i got home from shopping wade informed me that we were out of baby tylenol so i said i would go across the street to valu foods. i jumped in wade's car, drove a half-mile and got the goods. when i walked out of the store i heard an ambulance in the area and i did what i always do when i hear/see emergency vehicles. i prayed for the unfortunate people requiring such care. then i hopped in my car drove back to our neighborhood and as i pulled onto our street, i saw the emergency crews in the middle of the street in front of our house. i thought, i wonder what is going on at our neighbor's house. then i saw the emstat guy walking in direction of our lawn, heading to our house. then i lost it. i knew it was knox. i said, "what is going on?", quite hysterically. he just avoided my question and walked past into the house. walking seemed to lose it's optionness because my whole body was shaking. as i finally neared the porch, wade's mom flew at me from the driveway, where she had been waiting for me. she grabbed me and stopped me, which in hindsight, i think i am not too excited about because it made me think knox was dead and she didn't want me to see his lifeless body in my living room. she just held me and said,

"knox's fever jumped up quickly and he began to shake, so we called 911."

"no, no, wade doesn't let us call the nurse's line to ask questions, there is no way he called 911 unless something really bad has happened; is knox okay?"

"he is fine, he is okay."

"i need to go in and see him. i need to see him now."

so we go in the house and there are at least six emt guys in there surrounding wade who is holding knox. they are talking to him, but i am so stunned i don't even understand what they are saying. knox seems to be okay, weak, sick looking, but alive. after a few minutes i realize they are saying he had a seizure. i asked them if he was epileptic, and they said no, it was a febrile seizure (or fever seizure). they said when a child's fever jumps up very rapidly, when it spikes, it can cause their body to seize. i couldn't believe it. it seemed so strange to me that this was going on with my third child. i kept thinking, this can't be, i have two other children and they have never had this kind of thing happen. i haven't seen this, i haven't even really heard of it. it was bizarre. i realize i don't know everything about children, but with all of the other mothers i know, i just thought it was strange not to know much about this kind of thing. also, the emstats were saying this is super common. just odd.

when they left and it was only us, i asked wade how he knew to call since he never freaks out about stuff with the children, or at least not like i do. but then he told me that knox had stopped breathing, had been flailing his arms and legs and his heart wasn't beating. wade said it was the scariest thing he had ever experienced. i was like, now i know why God had me go to valufoods. the emstat would have had to come for knox and for his mommy who was hyperventilating. it was a little mercy that i didn't see this little episode.

We have a first word!

2007-07-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

he has been hinting at this one, but today as dylan walked into his room, he looked at her and said it, "dog"! i kept making him say it because i had to be sure and because it is great to hear his little voice and not to have to wait a couple more months until he is one. so cute. i knew a child of mine would have to have dog as a first word. it is quite fitting. whit's first word was baby (but not until he was one) and norah catherine's was...hmm, well middle child and all, i can't really recall. also, she probably didn't have a first word, she started talking at around one and hasn't stopped!

speaking of cute talking babies, that one year old steger boy (happy birthday this monday) was over for supper last week and he was full of words. he said hat (signed it and said it) and said thank you and said whit and some other stuff, too. it was very impressive!

dylan was especially pleased with this new word!

five years!!!!!

2007-06-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

June has been overwhelmingly busy. It began pretty rough but as is always the case, trials are certainly necessary (at least in my feeble walk with Jesus) to perpetuate my reliance on Him. I keep coming back to the words of my friend Nicole (which are actually the words of Ricky Jones here loosely restated): 80% of our prayers are that we wouldn't need Jesus anymore. I have found that to be so true in my life. I want an easy, comfortable life. Doesn't seem super evil to have such innocuous- seeming pursuits; but really if my life is that easy, how will I minister to others who are hurting, and for what shall I depend upon Christ? I won't delve too deeply into all of that, perhaps due only to lack of time, but I wanted to touch on the goodness of the Father for giving the gift of marriage.

Only five days ago Wade and I celebrated our fifth anniversary. It was truly our sweetest yet. We have endured much suffering in our marriage, at the hands of each other, yet God has faithfully crushed us with His fierce love and called us back to repentance. We are profoundly grateful for the body of Christ, specifically our body here in Norman, and cannot imagine how we could have made it without the love and support and truth-telling of the people who pour into our marriage and family. I have committed horrid crimes against God in my marriage and been at many times completely without grace and compassion for my husband. I know I am not the only perpetrator in our marriage, but I am so joyous that God has softened my heart and helped me to see that He is after all of me, and He will pursue the hidden sins of my heart until they are cast down at His feet. Another good friend has helped me to realize that when we are in situations that make us feel as if Aslan is tearing off our very skin, it is a severe mercy that will open our eyes to our sin and grant us repentance. This is at least one reason why we are told to be thankful in trials; God does use trials to discipline us and to break our legs and carry us back into the fold. Marriage is indeed a mystery. It is always refining and constantly sanctifying us. I find that God also uses these present trials to draw us back to the concept of our marriage not being so much about us as about Him. The love, security, intimacy, friendship, exclusivity and protection provided by marriage are sweet benefits, but the reason is that it is good to serve Christ together. It is good to help and labor and watch your love mature into the ultimate earthly shadow of Christ and His bride. I asked a good friend tonite what she loved most about her "boyfriend" (if you will) and she said "the way he loves people". What a great start. It has taken me five years to realize that the thing I most love about Wade is the way he loves people and wants to point them to Christ. So, all this to say thanks be to God for five hard and good years. I have to end with my favorite quote these days, it is so full of wisdom and I have been contemplating it and recalling it these past couple of weeks.

"But a christian finds satisfaction in every circumstance by getting strength from another, by going outside himself to Jesus Christ, by his faith acting upon Christ, and bringing the strength of Jesus Christ into his own soul, he is thereby enabled to bear whatever God lays on him, by the strength that he finds from Jesus Christ. of his fullness do we receive grace for grace; there is strength in Christ not only to sanctify and save us, but strength to support us under all our burdens and afflictions, and Christ expects that when we are under any burden, we should act our faith upon him to draw virtue and strength from him. " -Jeremiah Burroughs (italics mine)

idols and fellowship

2007-05-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Last nite I went to a book discussion of sorts. A few girls are reading the book "Idols of the Heart" by Elyse Fitzpatrick and meeting on Tuesday evenings at Panera. Anyone is welcome. Last nite we had Chandra, Kirsten, and Nicole (nickie). Obviously, the book is to do with idolatry. It is a nice convicting supplement to the CE hour study we are doing right now that is a killer. The gospel is all about our nasty hearts. That is where it all comes from; even if we clean it up before it exits or contain it inside, our hearts need to be washed of their love of idolatry. Just the other day Wade was telling me about this passage from Calvin about our hearts being idol factories. This passage was also in the book and it is so clear that we are always worshipping and it is not always Jesus. It is easy for me to brush off the ideas of idolatry and think that the term is pretty abstract and so also can my thoughts be about it. But the author includes a nice definition of idolatry that I will paraphrase (paraphrase property of Chandra Oliver): An idol is something you will sin to get or you will sin if you do not get it. Something that you either say inside or your actions speak this: "Give me _____ or I die". In my life there are some blatant, constant idols, but also there are fluctuating, circumstantial idols. This is bad. I think Kirsten put it well when she said that the "idol" that creates idols is the idol of self. The heart, the fickle seat of emotions is perpetually plotting self-sufficiency. That Christ would seal our hearts here, now and help us to flee to Him for constant protection from this ever-returning love of self and adulterous affection for this world and its glories.

It was good. And I even helped the environment by running there. I think those sitting next to me would question whether it was worth it, but that's okay. I am planning to do that every week.

race date

2007-05-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

the race is actually dec 9th, not in november

"Runners" Unite

2007-05-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am trying to gather a "team" of runners (very loose usage) who would like to run the Whiterock Half-Marathon in November in Dallas. I don't think that we are going to run together necessarily, or at least not frequently. I think that it is helpful to know other people who are training towards the same goal. This will be my third attempt to complete training for a half, the last two were shelved b/c of pregnancy/nursing, and I am really hoping that the third time is a charm. I am personally not interested in having a good time, I am determined to keep running a thing that is not driven by competition for me. I run very slowly and only want to finish having run the whole way. This is very feasible, especially since I am not concerned about time.

Some people who have shown interest in this are: Wade, Josh, Kirsten, Jessica (I think), Chewy (Carolyn), Stephanie, Becky Bruning, Della, Collin (rumor of it), and Wade's brother, Mason. If anyone else is interested, email me and we can talk about it. Even if you are not a "runner", you must realize that Oprah Winfrey ran a full marathon, and not to be rude, but if she can do that, you can run a half. The general plan is to build up a base of running until August, and then start actual half-marathon training. I have access to some good plans, and there are these for every kind of person from wanting to finish to wanting to make everyone else look like statues!

I am thinking of team names presently. Just kidding. Kind of.

nothing new under the sun

2007-05-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am reading Augustine's Confessions (do you underline books or italicize?) for the first time. I was advised to not read it, but skim it. I am reading it anyhow. This advisor suggested that it wasn't worthy of reading because it is not a story, but I don't mind, or I actually enjoy reading non-stories. Besides, it is a story. Or at least it is so far. I am really loving it because it is ST. AUGUSTINE. He is like the first guy you mention when you start talking about reformed theological debates. At first I was pretty intimidated, but so far, I feel like he is oddly personable. It is really hard to explain, and Wade knows me better than anyone probably and I don't know that he really understood what I was trying to explain. So I will skip that attempt. But, this little tidbit is pretty humorous considering what is fashionable these days concerning eating, etc. This is not me taking a shot at vegetarians or vegans, because although I would disagree with them on all points (except unnecessary cruelty to animals), this is more directed at people that apologize to their salad before they eat it. I don't know if these people have a name, perhaps I dreamed them up, but after reading this passage it seemed very familiar. I think in Augustine's time they were called Manichee. I am pretty sure they were off in a lot of other ways, but this one is pretty odd.

"...I was gradually led to believe such nonsense as that a fig wept when it was plucked, and that the tree which bore it shed tears of mother's milk. But if some sanctified memeber of the sect were to eat the fig-someone else, of course, would have committed the sin of plucking it-he would digest it and breathe it out again in the form of angels or even as particles of God, retching them up as he groaned in prayer. These particles of the true and supreeme God were supposed to be imprisoned in the fruit and could only be released by means of the stomach and teeth of one of the elect. I was foolish enough to believe that we should show more kindness to the fruits of the earth than to mankind, for whose use they were intended." St. Augustine

nothing really specific

2007-04-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

my sweet little knox, only days before he would be struck down with all of this terrible sickness thanks to the two germ factories who are constantly "playing" with him, which really means they are terrorizing them with their nasty germs hands and coughs.

well, it has been hellish week and a half around here. we have all been very sick with throat stuff and snot and pinkeye (well, wade eluded this part). just taking turns having the nasties. poor knox, he is suffering through it now. the first three days of this week consisted of me dragging three semi-sick children around to the Cleveland County Health Department where we had essentially been subpoenaed to be tested for Tuberculosis, since my dad's new wife apparently has this horrible diesease. and it is highly contagious. but we do not have it, we actually haven't even seen her enough to require a test but, children under five are always considered high risk and therefore must be tested. i could write a whole blog about all of the emotional distress this has brought to me, but i am not going to. or at least not right now. because then i would have to openly admit how scary i was to the incompetent TB nurse. let's just say that at one point she was offering the health department's counseling services to me for my "anger issues".

tomorrow we will attend my great-grandmother's funeral. she was ninety-six and ready to be done. a tough old bird, that lady. her mental state was always pretty good, with occasional lacking of clarity. about a week ago she had a stroke and then could no longer talk really. she kept trying to say something, and my nana struggled to understand it. finally my nana said, "mother, just say one word. just say the first word, don't try to say the whole thing." so my geese (we have always called her geese, i am not sure why) looked at her daughter and said, "B...U...T...T". that pretty much sums up her fiery personality. it must be genetic, just ask rita the TB nurse.

2007-04-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

So Easter was great this year. Many thanks to the Lord for such a contemplative Easter. In some ways having children has really minimized the time I have to spend in God's word. In other ways it has caused me to get creative and to do things differently than I would were it just my devotional time. Sharing some of this time with the children is at times frustrating because they are so young and so outnumber me. But very often I see that glimmer of a creature learning about his Creator and being awestruck. I think following the readings from the Book of Common Prayer in preparation for Easter with the children was very helpful for me. Each day it engendered a focus on Christ's passion that I could maintain and draw from. We fasted at some point, only for 24 hours and it definitely compelled one to the suffering for Christ. I know that people do this for up to 40 days and that 24 hours without food should surely be bearable, but it was very unpleasant. I also realize that the point is not that it should be a pleasantry, rather it should cause us to rely outside of ourselves and onto Him. Yet still, I had no idea how hard this short period would be for a spoiled stomach as mine. I know Wade felt similarly. I had no idea how much I depend upon food for energy to take care of three children! One surprising thing is that I was not irritable. If by chance I go without food for a longer than usual period, I am pretty irritable. I felt pretty lethargic and very introspective. I realize that the Bible says not to talk about when you are fasting and I think that it means (open to correction here) that as you are actually fasting do not go around moaning about how hungry (if not holy) you are! Perhaps a retrospective detailing is different? If not, then we shall call it a health fast and not a spiritual one; although now I deem the two indivisible. (with liberty and justice for all? sorry, irresistible).

All of this preparation really whetted my appetite for the service Friday nite at the train depot. Many thanks to Doug and the RUF musicians and the behind the sceners for organizing and creating this service. It was indeed worshipful. It was magnificently an appropriate impetus to worship the risen King. The flow was seamless. The order of the liturgy was perfect. The music was just intoxicating and inspired worship. All of the aesthetics were gloriously pointing to the beauty of the Gospel. The various readers were outstanding. At times such a thing might seem strange to compliment. It is not as though they were great because they annunciated well or augmented with dramatics. But having the varying voices and relationships enhanced the worship and gave vision to the global gospel. Every tribe, etc. Hearing Sam's awesome English accent and Somaria's beautifully enchanting accent and watching Collin read just before Meghan's solo...the outlandish variety of God's people and His causing us to love each other. His indwelling Spirit that beckons brotherly love to bind His church together. Holding Whit dead asleep and sitting to sing whilst the body stood around me worshipping her faithful King; my skin was raw with goosebumps that I am sure can be shoved aside with talk of emotionalism. It was a watershed climax to an anticipative week, full of dread of death and joy of redemption.

a slight chance of gloom

2007-03-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

well, i think the rain is getting a tad redundant. i think it is starting to wear on me now. i usually enjoy the rain, and thunderstorms i find thrilling. but enough is enough. or maybe it isn't. today i have experienced an emotion that usually make me uncomfortable. bittersweetism. this is perhaps not technically defined as an emotion per se, but you know what i am talking about. today makes 24 hours without having breastfed knox. i am relieved to feel more confident since he will be drinking from an animal that perhaps has better milk than i at this point. i am curious to see if the weight i have not been able to lose this time around is due in any respect to breastfeeding so long (since i have never gone this long before!). i am elated that soon i will be able to run without wearing 4 sports bras! maybe that was too much information.

i am also pretty sad about it. i have only cried about it once, but today as i look out the window and it is dark and wet, it seems this change is even more sad. i will really miss the bonding in that way. i have never thought of breastfeeding as bonding until this time around. i am still not one who believes that breastfeeding is a way to bond with your baby that cannot be replaced by any other means. i think that is untrue. God has not limited us in expressing and receiving motherly love to this alone. i do not feel like my other children are less loved or less bonded with than knox. i believe adopted children can bond with mothers just as children from her stomach can. that being said; it has been wonderful. i am thankful i was able to stick with it, and then i was even thankful i couldn't stop when i wanted to. i have to admit that if knox were doing better with his weight, i would probably not stop for a while. i know that it is perfectly normal for women to nurse to a year, but for me that never seemed achievable for many reasons!

so, today i am grateful that God has seen fit to have given me this opportunity, and i am also grateful that there is another option and other ways to love and care for knox. he is amazing with his cup. he prefers the type of cup his siblings use to the "baby" cup that i was offering him. he is loving solids, though i can tell he tires of eating mush and constantly tries to take our food right off of our plates! if he would only sprout those teeth that are threatening to come out!

Happy Birthday and Best Wishes!

2007-03-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

Surprise! This is Taryn being surprised at her surprise engagement/birthday party! We had a lot of fun visiting with friends and family at Tim's brother's (amazing) house. We were sad that we couldn't stay for the dinner Tim was cooking up, because he is a legendary chef.

This is Cal aquiescing to some Anna-lovin'. He looks really excited. Not that you can really tell since my husband's beer bottle is hiding Cal in it's shadow.

Taryn got Tim the chef jacket for his birthday. Very nice. He looks like a natural.

Best wishes to Taryn and congratulations to Tim. You know, there is a difference. You always say "best wishes" to the girl and "congratulations" to the boy. It makes sense if you think about it. Well, if you think about it the way I do, which you should!

some pics

2007-03-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

These are some pictures from our visit last weekend to the OKC Zoo and some from our daily lives. You know, we have the third best zoo in the nation. This weekend they opened a new exhibit called Oklahoma Trails. It is really awesome. We had so much fun and the children, as always, were enthralled by the animals. I have bittersweet feelings about zoos. Ours seems kept very well, but still the imprisonment is very sad. The new exhibit is very open and the animals seem little restricted. Above is Piper the sea lion we watched at the Fin and Feathers show. The children especially enjoyed this. Particularly Knox, who watches it, quite captivated as you can tell in the next picture. Watching this show was great because I got to bring out the sports lens on my camera, which I have rare occasion to employ. I super enjoy using that lens. I felt that I got to enjoy the show as from first row even though our seats were pretty far.

The older ones enjoying the sounds of the scaled down version of Turner Falls. This is part of the new exhibit and it is really cool. There are a couple of waterfalls and the bears seem to enjoy them.

This is Knox at home in his precrawl position. As of today he has officially failed to meet the age standards
for crawling that his older siblings attained. It is not like we love him less because he didn't crawl at five months, but we are a little disappointed. Just kidding. I promise.

We are having a lot of dress up around the house these days. It is really innate in girls to do this because I am just not a makeup or accessory girl and Norah Catherine loves both. Not that we allow her to actually use makeup but she has pretend makeup that she loves to use. How does she know how one puts on lipstick? I have not worn lipstick ever except when Kirsten made me for Valerie Hilliard's wedding. And then Norah Catherine was inside of me so I am pretty sure she couldn't see what we were doing. I think this is all because Chewy lived with us for a summer. No one accessorizes like those Stafford girls.

Whit on the way to his soccer game. He and Aiden play on the same team. So cute. I mean masculine.

this is whit and aiden at soccer practice. it is good to be a soccer mom.

This is Chewy and Norah Catherine on the way out the door to go to ballet. At two and a half, this really means she is in a room with a mirror and spins around until she falls over. And with other girls doing the same thing, it is super fun to her. Definitely amusing for us.

Trying to Capitalize

2007-03-09T11:39:00.000-08:00

So this girl that I used to work with at the Sooner Schooner has been calling me and telling me these crazy things about my Dad. Apparently, since there is no longer family working there to hold him accountable to reality (okay, new family like my stepmother and stepbrothers who have known him for about a year) my Dad has been sharing some of stories of the things he did in his twenties. Let's get the framework going here: My mom married my (step) Dad when I was like eighteen months old. He was twenty. He had not been to college yet and was just working. I think he delivered Tombstone pizzas to local grocery stores. Again, he was twenty when they were married. My brother, mother, and I began living with this man (or really, boy). He grew up in Warner Robin Georgia, but moved to Oklahoma after graduating. Or so I thought. He told Addison* and anyone who now works there or who patronizes the Schooner the following:

1. He played football at Georgia for two years and was then drafted to the NFL.
2. He played football for the Baltimore Colts.
3. He had a band in college called Roundhouse. Alleged band opened for the Allman brothers. One of the Allman brothers thought he was such an amazing drummer that he asked my dad to go to LA with him to help this obscure musician write this obscure song. Who was it? Oh yeah, ERIC CLAPTON. What song? LAYLA.
4. He previously was an overseas assasin for the government. Hmm. I always thought it took him a long time to get home from coaching soccer every weekend.
5. This one I won't detail because I am still recovering from the nastiness of it, but it has something to do with a renown (or so I am told) adult film star and their having a competition and my dad wasn't the loser.
6. He trained kickboxers in Europe for a few years. This is the only one with even a hint of truth, he was a kickboxer and then did train other boxer/kickboxers/karate people, not so much in Europe, unless that was the code name for our garage.

No doubt there are more, but these are the most outrageous. I don't even know what to say to this girl when she calls to tell me these things. I hesitated to even post about this because even though it is funny and yet it is so sad. Exaggeration is one thing. This is not even smart. Does he not think Addison will call me and ask me about it? "Was your dad mysteriously ever gone as you were growing up, perhaps overseas assasinating people?" Yeah, not so much. Does he not think that maybe people will have the tiniest shred of dubiosity towards as to his genuineness? Maybe run a quick search on the internet to see about the NFL thing or the Georgia Bulldog thing? Maybe in a couple of years we will hear about how he and Al Gore put their heads together to end global warming.

the classic middle name

2007-02-27T11:24:00.000-08:00

so i am starting to research sufjan songs. as much as one can, i guess. i started with an easy one. john wayne gacy, jr. so i really didn't know much about this serial killer. apparently he was pretty crazy. or he wasn't and that is what is scary. i learned some stuff that i didn't really enjoy reading about, though some of it was pretty interesting. i won't post about it extensively because i am sure most people know all about him. i usually prefer to pretend like that stuff doesn't really happen, especially when it includes children or animals. this is hard to do when you are a Christian and you read the Bible. at least i can not watch the news, right? (i bet i sound pretty educated right now). anywho...the main thing i was hoping to address was the end of the song when sufjan says something intensely profound and life-changing. but then i decided to wait on that because this was pretty apropos:

"The newspaper column, "News of the Weird," has reported so many (over 150 in 2005) stories of convicted murderers whose middle name is Wayne, it is sometimes known as "The Classic Middle Name." At 33 murders, John Wayne Gacy is the most murderous of all the Waynes. " (wikipedia)

hmm...

not so much

2007-02-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

yeah, that whole standoff thing didn't really pan out. seems knox wasn't onboard with it. that's okay. i am calmer now about his growing b/c i thought he hadn't grown since his two month check, but then when i looked at his papers from that visit, he had actually grown two pounds. that made me feel much better, although three weeks ago when he was ill he weighed the same as he does now. so that is still a bit worrisome. we are just breastfeeding, offering a bottle with milk, a cup with milk, and giving him solids. i even tried to give this kid a cup with APPLE JUICE in it, my other children did not receive apple juice until they were like two b/c i was convinced it would make them fat, give them cancer, and make them turn their backs on Jesus. i still partially feel this way and was secretly glad when he refused even this. breastmilk must be like cotton candy, there is really nothing better.

he is loving the solid foods. when whit was a baby i made his baby food and in my heart i judged people who gave jar baby food to their babies. with norah catherine i made half of her food and gave her jar food for the other half. with knox, well, the only food i have made him is when the jar kind doesnt make an organic version (or any version) of it, like avocadoes. he was really all about the avacadoes as you can see in the picture. i think it looked disgusting.

the standoff or the weird art of breastfeeding or my favorite: a requiem for breasfeeding

2007-02-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

well folks, the breastfeeding needs to come to an end. pray for us as we are about to begin a standoff with master knox. for varying reasons i need to wean knox. i was going to go into the whole crazy journey, including the past breastfeeding histories of my other children and then i thought: who really cares besides other moms who are fascinated with the crazy inconsistencies of this mom stuff? but i would like to enlist prayer and any suggestions from people. the undetailed reasons are 1) knox is no longer benefitting nutritionally from my breastmilk 2) if breastfeeding is an option, he will not take any other means of liquid nutrition 3) weaning is going to be hard for both of us emotionally and i think the sooner, the better since reasons 1 and 2 are pertinent. i have used a homemade formula with my other children that mimics breastmilk and is comparable to breastmilk, and in cases such as this is actually better than breastmilk and will help him to grow since he has stopped doing that.

there are two types of breastfed babies; well, i have nursed two different kinds, so there are at least two. ones that have had breast and when offered a bottle dont see how it is different and are content with that (whit and norah catherine). the whole emotionally nurturing stuff just was not exclusive to or perhaps even existent with breastfeeding for either of them. then, there are babies who look at you like you just tried to stab their eyes out with a blunt object when you put a paci, bottle, etc near their mouths. they then proceed to scream and bounce their heads off of your feeding area until you acquiesce. this is really terrible. a month ago when i began trying this, it was annoying, but i was only really trying it to have a break occasionally and so wade could feed him. not so much. but now, one month later, facing the knowledge that his weight gain is stagnating and solids are not yet a large part of his culinary reportoire...well his refusal is downright maddening. i am very sad to give this up, if you know anything of my former relationship to breastfeeding, you will think this is crazy talk. but, i really love nursing knox. i have enjoyed it and i perish the thought that it is no longer sufficient. if he would do both bottle and breast, we could keep doing it, but in the words of more seasoned veterans "if he is hungry enough he will take it" and i know he is getting just enough to not lose weight and to not feel hungry, but not enough to grow adequately. that it has come to this i regret, but i have to do what i think is best for him and best for him will make him grow. so, God help us as we enter a very sad season. hopefully a short one, too.

Overheard in our kitchen Thursday night

2007-02-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

A guy Courtney dated in high school has become a recording artist (using loose terms here)and is playing the South by Southwest festival in Austin this spring. We wasted a really good amount of time looking at his myspace and amusing ourselves with the idea that this guy could be on the radio sometime soon. This is the conversation that followed while putting up the dishes...

"I mean, I can't believe he will be on my radio, that's crazy to me."

"Well, if he's playing South by Southwest, someone may hear him and put him on the radio. His stuff's poppy enough to make it."

"No, that's not right...he was a skinny basketball player. Skinny basketball players don't play music on the radio. I mean, he watches TV sideways and has body odor."

"Courtney, lots of people have body odor."

"Doesn't it seem like he's wasting his time?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know...I mean he's 29, shouldn't he be married and having children?"

"Well he is married, so I guess he's halfway there."

"Yeah but doesn't the Bible say we should multiply and divide?"

Silence........

"Please homeschool my children..."

2007-01-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

this weekend our neighbors came over for some chili. keith and ivonne are our age and they are pregnant with their first child. we have a lot of fun with them, and have hung out the past few weekends. it is great b/c we can just take our monitor over to their house while our children sleep. over supper we were talking about our married life before children. not a lot to talk about since it was such a short time. but, i was talking about how i would walk to classes and wade went to work. i remember how i used to iron, yes IRON, the linens for supper at nite. and i would use rose perfumed linen water made just for such a thing. i did not, however, purchase that stuff, my friend mary catherine did that. only a southerner would come up with such a gift. it is perfect for those southern women who need a little more perfectionism to add to their adequacy pathos. but, all of this to say, i cannot believe i ever had time to iron my supper linens. with rose water. wow.

also, when we had 16 people in our home this christmas for dinner, wade's gran asked what i wanted to do for linens. i answered that i thought i had just enough linens, that they would not be matching, and that they were not ironed. she was less than pleased. figures, being a southern woman herself. this lady uses her dishwasher as a cabinet for her dishes. why would you use a machine to do something you can do yourself?

knox corbin jewett

2007-01-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

I SURVIVED MY FIRST XMAS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS GOOFY T-SHIRT

2006-12-21T11:49:00.000-08:00

as we consider the sweet anticipation of this Christmastime, let us not forget those who are being overwhelmed by tragedy. please pray for dustin salter and his family. today i finally read the updates that i have been avoiding out of fear. i am so selfish that i dont want to hear of no change in his condition. and i am even more selfish because i dont want to spend my day crying for his wife and three children. i want to be happy and joyous during this festive time. so selfish. i am trying to imagine what things must be running through leigh anne's head (his wife)as she contemplates the season. does she even realize it is Christmastime? what must her children think? they miss their daddy so, yet they are children and dont even fully understand what the worst case scenario could be. even though they are presently living it, no doubt. i am so blessed to have my husband around and yet i complain when he works late. my children miss him putting them to bed once or twice a week, yet dustin's children may never again enjoy this luxury. it is a luxury. this world is fallen and base and such joys are only shadowy foretastes of eternal pleasure. yet we would demand them. i demand them everyday when i arrogantly abuse these luxuries and delude myself that i deserve them. when i act horrified that this woman was robbed of her husband and really i am glad that it wasnt me. oh God, that You would forgive my great oversight. my arrogance and refusal to see You as the beginning and the end of all joy. that i would see this trial as Your Hand and it would draw Your people closer to You, instead of tightening our fearful grips on our earthly comforts. that i would mourn for my sister. truly mourning and interceding for her and for her children.

pray that dustin would recover. all the way. that he would awaken from this vegetative state. the medical terms seem permanent and threatening, but our great God can raise the dead.

the endless party

2006-12-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

yay! the endless part has an end. knox is now sleeping through the night. he is much later than my other two, who at eight weeks were down for the count after ten pm, but some of us just need some nudging. so he's a procrastinator...well, half of the adults in my house are just such! (love you, wade-o.) i guess i have kind of spoiled him (you know what "they" say about how you cant spoil a baby? well "they" are smoking crack.) really, i just continued nursing him through the night because he was so small at birth, and i just wanted to make sure that he was growing well before i turn him over to a full's nights rest. God has been gracious and has allowed him to grow even more quickly than i expected. so, now he is on his own for like eight whole hours!

life is beginning to feel normal. which in our house is really just chaos, but a controlled chaos, which sounds oxymoronic, but is actually quite complementary, which...well, just come over and you'll get it.

hello winter!

2006-12-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a fun day. the blizzard was quite something. this so far is reading like a dick and jane book. on thursdays we always hang out with kirsten and the boys, but we decided that we would not be going any further than our front yard. that was were all of the fun was, anyhow. i have been checking out snow/winter/christmas books from the library to read with the children and so whit has been asking when it was going to snow. i kept telling him not to hold his breath! it was so exciting on wednesday to tell the children that it would probably snow. i had no idea how much snow we would get. when the spears came over, they all had a blast in the snow (well, perhaps not so much young jack). there is something about snow like that, at least in states that are not minnesota-esque, you just feel like all responsibilities are off and it is a holiday. wade had to work, but he got off early and we decided to take the children to a movie. we invited the spears and it was such fun. the movie began at 4:15 and when we all emerged from the theater an hour and a half later, we encountered the blizzard! we drove to two restaurants and they were closed, finally ending up at coach's. it was fun, cold, and definitely memorable.

happy thanksgiving

2006-11-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

i am thankful for many things. such as:
1. norah catherine is already an advocate of breastfeeding.

2. halloween was just as kitchy as i remembered it from my childhood.

3. knox has doubled his weight at two months. (it is all in his double-chin)

4. our children love each other.

most of the time...

Love and Thunder

2006-11-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

Canaan Bound
by Andrew Peterson

Sarah, take me by my arm
Tomorrow we are Canaan bound
Where westward sails the golden sun
And Hebron's hills are amber crowned

So bid your troubled heart be still
The grass, they say, is soft and green
The trees are tall and honey-filled
So, Sarah, come and walk with me

Like the stars across the heavens flung
Like water in the desert sprung
Like the grains of sand, our many sons
Oh, Sarah, fair and barren one
Come to Canaan, come

I trembled at the voice of God
A voice of love and thunder deep
With love He means to save us all
And Love has chosen you and me

Long after we are dead and gone
A thousand years our tale be sung
How faith compelled and bore us on
How barren Sarah bore a son
So come to Canaan, come

Where westward sails the golden sun
And Hebron's hills are amber crowned
Oh, Sarah, take me by my arm
Tomorrow we are Canaan bound

This is a wonderful song by Andrew Peterson, who is an amazing songwriter guy from Nashville. If you can grab a copy of this song on iTunes, I'd recommend it.

Since we have had children, the phrase about their many sons has brought tears. God has given us a legacy in our children. By His grace, we hope to start a family that will look back and see faith, honesty, brokeness, trust, and unquenchable joy.

The great grace to Sarah was that her barren womb was filled. What seemed a laughable promise was fulfilled, and out of her pain God brought the covenant family.

He is still at that very work. We are all barren people. We can offer no fruitfulness to God. We often contradict the Word and work of the Kingdom. I would do so continually, were it not for His hand. He abounds in grace to me. He is bringing about great things despite my nay-saying.
Out of the dryest of land, water came. The hardest of hearts are softened. Drowned, dead sinners breathe again. Still more, we are brought to copiously beautiful places that overflow with good things. Our story is that of Abram's. His family was constantly in error; they were punished and lost faith, but God brought redemption from their lot. Friends, "love has chosen you and me," as well.

Glory to God. He will accomplish His work.

a slimy brotherhood

2006-11-01T19:34:00.000-08:00

i am reading a book called the joke by milan kundera. i am a very fast reader. i dont say this to brag (what would be boastful about reading fast, i am not sure, but i have been accused of such) but to emphasize the oddness of how long it is taking me to read this book. i stopped reading it for awhile, but have picked it back up b/c i loathe quitting. it is a novel about a guy who was a communist and then was kicked out of the Party and his life story etc. blah, blah, blah. but in today's reading, there was an interesting part that reminded me of what God has been showing me lately. the subject is betrayal and this guy is about to be kicked out of the Party for something that he didn't really even do. all of his friends are in on the vote about whether he should be kicked out or not. they are asked to raise their hands if they think he should be kicked out. well, being members of the Party and seeing the head guys voting affirmatively, they followed suit. the book talks about how this guy puts everyone to this test of loyalty: "whenever i make new acquaintances, men or women with the potential of becoming friends or lovers, i project them back into that time, that hall, and ask myself whether they would have raised their hands; no one has ever passed the test: everyone of them has raised his hand in the same way my former friends and colleagues (willingly or not, out of conviction or fear) raised theirs. you must admit: it's hard to live with people willing to send you to exile or death, it's hard to become intimate with them, it's hard to love them," (kundera, 76). this little passage screams gospel. it reminded me of what doug has been talking about with peter's betrayal of Christ, with Judas' and with mine. we would all raise our hands, no one wouldnt. the guy also discovers this later: "alas, i found no guarantee i would have acted any better; but how has that affected my relationship with others? the consciousness of my own baseness has done nothing to reconcile me to the baseness of others. nothing is more repugnant to me than brotherly feelings grounded in the common baseness people see in one another. i have no desire for that slimy brotherhood," (kundera, 77). this passage was especially compelling with regard to our present personal trials. it is no secret (not now at least!) that wade and i have been struggling in our marriage. but God has been so gracious in this, He has allowed wade's sin to bring mine to light; though i admit i am not always overjoyed by this. it is much like a purging around here. but, back to the passage. i love how it is like a baby reformed person realizing that total depravity means me, too. yes ME, i could/do/will do terrible things. we are base. our best deeds are as filthy rags. but we have these brotherly feelings, realizing that we share this profound treachery. we are a slimy brotherhood. but our brother Christ unites us to Himself and we are also, in this way, a royal brotherhood. sinners and saints. you get the picture. so if i get nothing else out of this strange communistish book, well at least i've these thoughts.

2006-10-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

well, here are some uncategorized pictures. haminha was a blessing. it was timely and quite profitable. a lot of fun, a lot of nursing (3 babies!), and a lot of repentance. oh, that God would heal us and make us outward focused. without sermonizing i will just say i (re)learned such:
1. i cannot protect myself
2. Christ is sufficient and compassionate to betrayers (me)
3. life is but a shadow of glory (oftentimes a very dark one)

the lie in the soul (melancholia)

2006-10-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

due to recent and semi-recent occurrences i am arriving (albeit reluctantly) at the bitter conclusion that life is not sweet. sorry natalie, your song is misleading at best and downright treachery at worst.

as i attended RUF when knox was yet seven days old, reverend serven waxed melancholy about the trial that is following Christ. not the best type of thing to hear when post partum hormones are raging unchecked through your body; but the gospel is a double-edged sword, is it not? so, perhaps it was the best type of thing to hear after all. i have, in the past four or so years, had this sinking suspicion that life is not what i have deemed it to be. not only that it is not presently this, but that the future holds out no such hope for my deemings. i feel like the leader of the rohirrm in LOTR, "dare not trust nor hope; such things are forbidden in these lands" (probably not word for word, sorry LOTR nerds). death and loathing are breathing down the neck of the church. they have swallowed up the culture, and the church seems to be the next course on their menu. at this RUF doug said that some of the people in the room might endure terrible things: divorce, the death of a child. i couldnt help but think, "divorce? but we are reformed...we are covenantal!". would that such vain labels could protect, save, even. but in these things they are only infinitely impotent. only Christ will do this, but he does it in a way that is not how i would have it done. as doug pointed out, he waited three days to see about lazarus. the anguish, the seeming torment in this life is inevitable. we will endure it. a cold and apathetic Christ we will not. this was emphasized further by the guy who spoke at church two weeks ago (ruf arkansas guy). He has not left us indefinitely to the "dark night of the soul". He will bring all things to light, including our mourning.

i will not have the american dream life that in my head was by divine right to the truly reformed and truly covenantal. i will have a mother who is gone early in my life. i will have christian friends who lose their marriage. i will have a church body that is torn and tested by greed and selfishness, gossip and lies. i will have friends who are swallowed up by sin so deep that only severe mercy can thwart their eternal ruin. i will have loved ones who are swallowed up in death forever. i will have realizations that in my own marriage there is sin so profound and so intimately painful that i dont know how to forgive it or how to be forgiven of it. God knows what else awaits in this shadowy pilgrimage. this is true for all of us. the point of life is not to avoid these things, but to surrender in them utterly to Christ who gives grace and peace in death and chaos. this is i suppose what is meant by "consider it pure joy" when these depths seem to engulf us. He is sanctifying us, He is refining us. one day He will have before Him a bride, blameless and pure.

el fin: joy is attainable, it is hearing Christ in the loudness of life's harsh circumstances. it is knowing it isnt about your personal happiness, but about becoming like your Father in heaven, who is holy. if this depressed you, listen to "for all the saints" on i grace. the best is when it talks about the church surrounding as the "king of glory passes on His way".

five times the fun!

2006-10-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

so, life with a five person family is in many ways what we expected, but in many ways not quite such. there are times when i feel crazy, of course, but there is so much for which to be thankful. God is good. we have three healthy, robust children. one is coming out of the terrible twos, one is redefining the terror that is the terrible twos, and the other is completely peaceable. i am thankful to God for the changes i have seen in whit. he still has his moments, but on the whole is so much more compliant and kinder than he has been over the past year. his countenance is much sweeter and his love and care for his siblings is endearing. he is, in equestrian terms, broken in. of course, he still has flare-ups (today has been a bit of a relapse).
norah catherine...well, today i spent a good seven (think about that, really, that is a while for one issue) minutes praying with her asking, begging, God to help her obey and stop being so hasty to sin and wholly stubborn. she is definitely going to take a work of God to break. i am intensely grieved by her ugliness, i think because i know my struggle against God for autonomy is not so different from hers.
then there is knox. he is great. God has blessed our nursing work, and he is gaining weight rather nicely. he is quite varying at nite and unpredictable, sometimes wanting to eat every two hours. it is exhausting each nite, and days with a baby and two toddlers after nites like that...well, hard. but God must really give grace to this and we always make it without any obscenely large crisis. also, it is for a season and i am praying for perspective.
i have learned: the transition from no children to the first child is the hardest. it is so hard that it is a wonder people have more children. from to one to two is much easier, but still quite hard. from two to three, even easier still, but of course not lacking in it's own difficulties.

Knoxville

2006-09-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

Addendum

2006-09-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

Courtney is currently at 4cm.

Again, if you don't know what that means, you are probably a guy, and your ignorance will serve you well in this situation....

You can take that last post and.....

2006-09-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

By Wade

We saw that doctor today.
He said that Courtney was very close to labor and that this baby would be here soon. Being that we have none of the supposed intestinal fortitude we once required of ourselves, we set an induction date of Friday....That's right, three days from now Friday. Is the baby too big? Nope. Is he past his due date? Not at all. Are his parents incredibly impatient people who can't live like this any longer or this child will have one less sibling or no father? Bingo...
That's right, expediency. We just can't wait. And we're o.k. with that.
So there is an end in sight. I don't think that the doctor believes we will even make it to Friday, but I'm glad he gave us a deadline. We are elated to know that by the time the Sooners kick off in Eugene, our little watch party will have an addition.
Dr. Ryan said that if they were to have a major influx of patients at the hospital on Thurs. PM, then we may get bumped to Saturday, as we may be able to wait, and we can't quite tell mothers in labor to take a break from birth so we can have a convenient Friday morning induction. (See there, we are good sports) Interestingly, though, he told me that if we were to need to wait until Saturday, we would need to come in about 5am, so that this baby could be born by noon. His exact medical terminology for this necessity was, "Many things will happen on Saturday, but I will not be delivering any baby after 2:30 (which happens to also be the kickoff time, coincidentally)."

This, friends, is what good insurance pays for.

lots of quote sets ahead

2006-09-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

so, here we are. six days away from the "due date". i am a cynic. (well, now you know which of us is posting this blog!) whit's due date was august 27th. they induced him to come out of me on september 3rd; "to be sure he was alright". i wish i could argue that they were a tad preemptive and it would not have hurt to have waited and been natural, etc. well, i guess i could argue that, but i feel somewhat hypocritical doing so, since i was definitely not at that point complaining and wanted pregnancy to be over so badly that i could taste it. i remember being relieved to have "doctor's orders" to end the pregnancy part of our life.

norah catherine's gestation was ended by medical induction/inducement, also. i was only three months out of pregnancy when i became pregnant with her, and i still had some extra ice cream weight on me. therefore, i was somewhat larger with her than with whit. this was the pregnancy where the very overweight ob nurse suggested i take some walks to "stay fit"! i was tempted to throw down. anyhow; charity, charity. this time, the "doctor's orders" escape from pregnancy came in the medical paranoia form of "large for dates". you know, the opposite of our current situation. i was measuring a large 42 cm at 39 weeks and they took her one day before her due date of september 21st. to protect her and me from her monstrous size growing any more monstrously. note, i did not complain then, either. i mocked in a "those silly doctors playing God" kind of condescension, but deep inside i was so happy to know the pregnancy would be soon over. and was she ever a fatty. no, not really, but at 8 lbs 5 oz, i think she was a big baby for our genes. whit was only 7 oz and he was a week "late".

this time i have no doctor's orders (but give me time, cause i see him today, perhaps we can imagine something!). although, if this child does not come now or before the eighteenth, we probably will schedule induction for the 22nd. yeah, that is right. i am only waiting (God-willing) four "extra" days. it is so crazy how desperate i get at the end of a pregnancy. sunday nite starting at about 12:30 am i began real contractions and had them until they stopped at about six am. i mean painful, lasting a minute, three to five minutes apart, contractions. we stayed at home just waiting b/c i just wasnt sure-sure. then boom, just over. the next day was hell. i was so tired after not sleeping and my uterus so sore from all of the contractions. and bitter. you have no idea. and i felt like a failure and my husband was all sad that we had no baby out yet. it was terrible. i am definitely adding those five or six hours to knox's labor story. you better belive it. when i see the doctor today, i better be a six. if you dont know what that means, you dont want to.

wish us well and a quick labor that starts without a drip bag (though ending with one full of pain meds is quite probable!)

2006-09-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

i hope that i am not the only one who cannot title their post until they are finished with their post. it is so much pressure. probably b/c i am a rambler and not very coherent in my posts and therefore i just cannot really put a label on my post before i have gone here and there in the post.

today is short and not so sweet. i am tired today and i really miss my husband. this is not a public tattling or an attempt to be ugly, but it has just not felt like we have spent time together recently. i think the end of pregnancy fatigue has intensified this feeling, and i am sure i am just emotional. it seems i start each day imagining what a great nite we will have with the children and then once they are in bed i picture us talking on the back porch on our new porch furniture and just being with each other. and then it seems each day passes and the nite with the children goes well, then bedtime for them, and then...i dont know. some edging that must be done, some gathering that has to be attended, some friend, some work stuff (yes now for some reason my husband has doctors calling him at nite, even late at nite! do these people realize they are the ones paying off medical school? leave my undergrad husband alone, people!), some way too pregnant wife too tired to even execute her own daytime dreams of long talks and porches and maybe a little alcohol. i think the weather being so mild and the smells of fall rolling in are adding to this anticipative feeling that seems to encompass all of my life right now. well, i could go on, but i am too tired to keep complaining and you are perhaps tired of my complaints. if you see wade or talk to him, tell him i miss him.

Turns of Events (Read: The Hits Just Keep on Coming)

2006-08-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Actually, By Wade

So the last few days have been interesting for us, to say the least. (That was, quite possibly, the most generic start to a post...please keep reading)

Yesterday we did some checking on the insurance that we had secured for Courtney for Knox's birth, just to make sure that we were in the clear. Upon making said call, we were told, "Oh yeah, just fax them the proof that you haven't had a lapse in coverage and you'll be in good shape..." Well, we have had a lapse in coverage, so holy crap we don't have health insurance. HOLY CRAP WE DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!
Then I remembered that this baby is transversed, which means a certain c-section. Have you priced out-of-pocket c-sections lately? Two words come to mind----second mortgage. So we did what it is we seem to do well here at my house.....we flipped out. big time.

But before I could turn in my application for a second job handing out hot ones at Krispy Kreme, I made another call to the insurance people this morning to find out that, oh, if you've had a lapse in coverage, this particular plan is just for you. Pregnant and can't get coverage any other way? Superb! This is what we can do for you.....I couldn't believe it. I almost drove my car off the road. So all is well, and I was going to surgery from noon to 4, then to the midwife with Courtney.
At 3:30, I get a call from a new doctor asking me to bring some stuff to him for a 4:30 surgery.....suck.
While in said surgery, Courtney called to tell me that Knox had TURNED AROUND INTO THE CORRECT POSITION. He's finally measuring correctly, and looks great....and I started crying. In surgery. I'm trying not to bawl while I tell the doctor what angle of version he needs to try to get on his shoulder prosthesis. He was finally like, "Are you alright?" And I told him the whole story about insurance and the transversed birthing position and massive hospital bills and peddling donuts. I may never get a call from him again....

Come on Knox....we're ready for you...

Love,
Daddy

anniversaries and shepherds (long and perhaps sad)

2006-08-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was one year since the death of my mother. my sweet friend kirsten asked how i was and i told her i was fine b/c it is just not tied to a day for me. wade and i are just odd about anniversary/holiday type things anyhow and it is much more seasonal than anniversial (probably not a word). it is bizarre how time can lessen and intensify pain simultaneously. i guess it is that over time it is less frequent that you feel the loss, but when you do feel it; do you ever feel it. it makes me think of how my great grandfather would try to explain his "phantom pains" he had as a result of losing his arm. i could never grasp how something could seem to be there but not be there at all, and hurt you though it isnt present. i feel this sensation when i log online and my "buddies" list pops up my mom's screen name with a phone icon next to it. at first when this happened someone told me that i could just edit it from my list and i thought i would get to that sometime. then over time i realized i just couldnt take it off. it has a slight sting each time i pay it attention upon signing in, which is not always, yet i just dont want to remove it. it is in this way i feel a phantom pain, i guess. she is there but she is not and it hurts somehow.

i did allow myself to relive the day of her death yesterday, i suppose as an exercise of trying to keep the anniversary. i am not much of one for visiting graves, it seems so futile and vacant. so i remembered the two plus weeks of staying by her side at my nana's house as she died. she took her time, for sure. they said it would be less than three days when we brought her home from the hospital. but of course she stubbornly proved them wrong. if there is anything the women in my family are known for, other than contentiousness, it is stubbornness and wrong-provingness. such legacy of traits, indeed. i took turns with my nana, staying with her in her room as she slept and awakened depending on her levels of morphine at the time. i always wanted to push her morphine button when she would awaken b/c she was so near death and completely out of it. she would be so irritated and angry and then fall right back into a dying sleep. it was scary for me, she would try to pick fights about things she saw in the room that i didnt see. all of this in the dark room of a dying person is really very daunting and lonely. i had read the hospice book and researched myself, and was prepared mentally for all of these things, but just not emotionally, i guess.

the most poignant period of time in her death was, perhaps obviously, when she actually took her last breath and the few hours right after that. that morning she had shown many of the signs that death was hours away and the hospice nurse called the other family memebers who wanted to be there. we were surrounding her as a group for probably two hours, in the last hour no one seemed to move at all. we only stared at her ever slowing chest as it struggled to heave up and down. she would stop for a moment and we thought the time had come, all looking at the nurse with awe and wonder, our faces all in unison asking, "was that it? was that the last breath?" she would shake her head saying, "not yet, you will know". and then the "death rattle" would again emit from my mother's throat and we girded up for more horrific waiting. finally, she moved her eyes in a way she had not all day and took this deep, deep breath and with it came a gush of tears out of her eyes. she fell still. i was reeling. i had not read anything about tears, i had anticipated many things in this process, but not tears. i was unprepared and immediately upended, completely terrified of the meaning of those tears. my black and white death expectations were spattered into grey questions and dark fear. had she met her Judge without a wedding garment on? was my Lamb to her a devouring Lion? was my Cornerstone to her a crushing tower of rock? O, God will i have no peace in this until glory?

shortly after, our pastor mike called and asked if he could come by my nana's to visit with wade and me. when he arrived, we went into the room with my mom and i immediately began to tell him about her tears and my questions and my worry. he said the most peace-giving, life-giving, fear-calming words i have ever heard. he didnt try to make her death as perhaps an unbeliever innocuous. but he didnt leave me only with the expected "God does all for good", which, though true, is not all to this gospel of grace. he reminded me that as she was dying several people had asked her if she loved Christ and asked her to repent and she had affirmed that she did both. we dont know her heart, only God does, but we have the testimony of the thief on the cross and God's covenantal, ineffable grace. but the tears, i persisted, what about the tears? crying his own tears of compassion for me and awe at our Creator's grace, he said to me, "courtney, did it occur to you that your mother might have, for the first time in her life, have entered into the glory of God? that brings us tears just to speak of it, and she may have been seeing it." the peace that passes all understanding eased my heart and i have not looked back upon that specific dubiousness since that moment. i will never have the words to explain to mike how he shepherded me in a way i had never known before. do i know she is with Christ? no. do i hope for it everyday? absolutely. but regardless, i was reminded of hope and grace and what i look forward to one day tasting deeper above.

update

2006-08-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

1. knox is still resting comfortably sideways in my stomach.
2. norah catherine is successfully potty training.
3. whit who is a year older than her refuses to learn to use the potty. today the child sat on the potty for twenty, no exaggeration, twenty minutes reading books and not one drop of potty came out.
4. i am only yet 34 weeks pregnant and already i am having trouble sleeping at nite. i dont remember it starting this early!

okay i will stop whining now, just thought i would update the highlights of our life right now!

cross pod

2006-08-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

Pick up your iPod and follow…

fun times

2006-08-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

The Transverse Position - This is an extremely rare position for a baby to take. He/She remains lying, the first part of the body to present itself is the shoulder. In almost all cases like this, a cesarean section delivery is required.
this is a little foretaste of our exciting life right now. i went to the midwife today, and after she measured my uterus we looked at each other like, "what?"! if you arent in the prego know, the uterus should measure in cm what your weeks are, ie: i am thirty-three weeks and normal would be a uterus measurement of 31-35 cm. well, this little guy has only stretched my uterus a measley 27.5 cm! that is what you call bizarre. well, to me it is very scary and i am fearful of the terrible things that could be wrong with him. but i know that as a daughter of the king i should not fear anything that is frightening. my tendency, however is to be anxious and worried. so i asked the midwife what this meant and she decided to palpate my belly and check knox's position. well, he is apparently transverse (hence the definition above). in case the word "rare" in the definition is confusing for anyone, it means that only about .2% of babies (yes, point two, not two) decide to lounge sideways across their mom into the third trimester. this is not breech, which, though troublesome for a baby's entrance into the world, breech babies are not nearly as obnoxious. also, the more fun news is that i read: breech babies can usually be delivered vaginally but transverse babies? just sign up on the c-section list now. even the midwife was like "wow, yeah transverse babies are c-section babies". i can assure you that the midwife doesnt just start popping out phrases about c-section necessity on a whim. though she did tell me to entreat my baby to change his position. i am a bit pessimistic about that, though since my toddlers dont obey me and i can spank them! the only good news is that it is most likely knox's bizarre position that is causing the crazy small measurements. but still pray that he is healthy and okay just in case the small measurements are for another reason. all this to say, please pray that knox would, by God's grace, change his position. kirsten was comforting me with the thought that he must be a real over-achiever to have gotten into this position due to it's rarity. it is a bit of a spin, though well-intentioned and sweet.

some cute shots

2006-07-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

best friends master whitney and master aiden. i love the Church. i love our dear friends the spears and the best friend they have given our firstborn. here are a couple of cute shots from playing around after supper tonite. i need someone to teach me how to layout this blog page. i am so inept technologically and i cant figure out how to put the pictures on the way i want them on. well, anyhow not a lot to say, so cheerio for now.

on service

2006-07-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

lately i have been thinking about serving. kirsten and i have been talking about this a lot, i think because we have been anticipating the official WIC (women in the church) beginning and what that will look like at christ the king. i have been trying to examine my heart with regard to serving. i think having whit and norah catherine so close together, though great in so many ways, has left me with a spot of whiplash. and now adding knox to the tribe! so blessed, but also so distracted. i think it should be a distraction, and even labeling it such is undermining to what it really is: a calling. however, i think in just feeling like i have been almost underwater for three years, i have viewed service primarily as serving my immediate family. i should serve my family, and they should be after God on the list, but i fear that my tendency to emphasize that has left me somewhat lazy or negligent as far as serving in other areas. over the past few years i can think of several church circumstances, or neighborly circumstances, or even extended family circumstances in which i thought later; oh, i could have made this phone call, or taken supper, or sent this note, or spoken these words, or joined that "committee", or uttered this prayer...of course, the other side of the pendulum must also be examined. one might have a tendency to over volunteer; be it for vainglory or merit or fear that if they do not take up the slack the church will suffer. regardless of motive, this excess must also be checked so that the immediate family or the primary calling doesnt suffer. and of course, the heart is deceitful and needs constant examination. so, i guess in closing, examine your gifts, your time, your failings and serve the bride selflessly; for some that means spend more time ministering to the church and for some it perhaps means do less.

ringbearer for rent

2006-07-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

shawnda and uncle frank
the "first" dance
the ringbearer, master whitney

now, if anyone is looking for a ringbearer for their wedding, know this: whit walked down the aisle sans help, stunningly pulled off a silver tux with hot pink vest and tie (which, yes, should be impossible and/or illegal), and was perfectly willing to dance at the reception and woo all of the bluehairs. this last feat however, was not atttempted b/c the bride and groom were the only people on the dance floor whilst the sober guests (uh, yes this was a "dry" wedding officially, but who says no to bride with a brown paper bag clutched in her hot pink acrylic nails? well, you and i, but not her bridesmaids/coworkers/60 year old ex-roomate/uncle frank with no teeth) pretended not to see the pornographic colliding of worlds that was i guess called the first dance. i assure you this is only called the "first" dance by means of custom and not validity. the bride is, after all, a dancer by profession.

well, there could be more said, but probably i should spare the babble. just thought some fun wedding pics might be enjoyed by others. i will end by adding that the bride, my stepmother, was not pleased with the photography (that was my job at the wedding). she told my dad this about the pictures:

"i look f***ed up in the pictures"

"well honey, you were f***ed up"

"yes, but i dont remember being that f***ed up"

hmm, you dont say.